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Imagine your child is now 25-years-old and has knocked on your door for a surprise visit. What kind of person do you hope to see in front of you? What characteristics and life skills do you hope he or she has?

Active (or reflective) listening is an effective tool of communication. One that will serve you well as you parent your child and (sooner than you may think) the adolescent that child will become. Active listening is the art of observing and listening to feelings, then reflecting them back. Active listening does not require that you agree with your child’s feelings, but it allows your child to feel connected and understood—something all people need—and provides an opportunity to explore and clarify those mysterious impulses known as emotions.

Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). Closeness and trust create a safe learning environment. You have a positive influence only in an atmosphere of closeness and trust where there is no fear of blame, shame or pain.

I have been hearing questions such as, “How can I get my two-year-old to pick up his toys by himself?” (You can’t.) “Why does my teenager say she’ll empty the garbage and then avoid doing it unless I nag?” (She has a gazillion other life questions plaguing her.) “Why won’t my kids be responsible and just do what they know they should do?” (Do you always do what you know you should do—especially when someone else demands it of you?)