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I Messages

Too often students (and adults) blame others for their feelings by saying, “You make me feel _____.” This is not true. No one can make anyone else feel something. They might invite you to feel something, but you always have a choice. One way to help your students take responsibility for their feelings is by teaching the skill of using “I” messages.

When I was growing up, I didn’t know that anger is just a feeling. To me anger meant withdrawal of love. My mother didn’t tell me she was angry. She just wouldn’t speak to me for days. However, she did “speak” loud and clear with the look of disgust and disapproval on her face whenever she looked at me during those days of silence . My childlike mind twisted that to mean that people would stop loving me if I got angry.

Do you sometimes expect your students to control their behavior when you have not controlled your own? We don’t mean to instill guilt; rather, we want to create awareness. We often catch ourselves behaving in ways we aren’t proud of once we have taken time to calm down and assess our actions.

As a teacher, do you have a tendency toward being a little too kind, and have difficulty being firm? (You don’t want to be one of those mean, autocratic teachers.) Or are you a little too firm because you think kindness can be wishy-washy? (You don’t want to be one of those permissive teachers.)

A foundation of Positive Discipline is to be kind and firm at the same time. Some parents are kind, but not firm. Others are firm, but not kind. Many parents vacillate between the two—being too kind until they can’t stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and then being too firm until they can’t stand themselves (feeling like tyrants).

I have one child who complains that she doesn't have any friends. Another child keeps choosing friends I don't like. How do I help my children become friends with children I approve of?

The back to school honeymoon is beginning. Many children (and teachers) are making vows that this will be their best school year ever. How long will the back to school honeymoon last? That could depend on how you and your children prepare.

I never cease to be amazed at the wonderful people who are attracted to do Positive Discipline work. They are such creative, fun, dedicated, and passionate people who really believe it is possible to create peace in the world through peace in homes and schools.

This last month we are having a problem with the "Praise" word with our 13 year old. She's very clever at school and gets amazing grades; she loves school! So the last few tests she's had she's come home and told us the results and my husband and I have both said to her '"Wow, amazing results Zara! You must be so proud and you clearly did the hard work and it's paid off!"

She floored us when she replied, "Why can't you just say you're so proud of me, like all the other normal parents??!"

I just received an interesting question from a journalist wondering if parents could be both a friend and a disciplinarian. Following is my answer:

I Messages

The Anger Wheel of Choice: Anger is Just a Feeling

Control Your Behavior for Teachers

Kind and Firm for Teachers

Kind and Firm Parenting

Choosing Friends

Back to School: Whose Job is It?

Positive Discipline Conference and Think Tank

Question About Praise

FRIEND OR PARENT

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