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Positive Time-Out

Imagine you are an employee who has made a mistake, and your boss comes to you and says, “You go to time-out and think about what you have done. And don’t come out until I say you can.” Or, if you are married, imagine your spouse coming to you and saying, “I don’t like your behavior. You are grounded for a week.” In either of these scenario’s what would you be thinking, feeling, and deciding. Is there any chance that you would say, “Oh, thank you so much. This is so helpful. I’m feeling so encouraged and empowered and can hardly wait to do better.” Not likely.

Adlerian psychology provides a set of basic concepts that offer a wealth of knowledge to help us increase our understanding of children and of ourselves, but it is so much more than just theory. The basic concepts are lost without attitudes of encouragement, understanding, and respect.

Mrs. Henderson told her son, Jon, for the third time that evening, “You had better do your homework before it gets too late." Jon shot back, “If it is so important to you, why don’t you do it!” Mrs. Henderson was shocked. After all, she was only trying to help. She reacted by saying, “Don’t talk to me that way, young man. I’m your mother.” Jon reacted right back, “Well, don’t talk to me that way. I’m your son.”

In their book, Parenting From the Inside Out (Tarcher/Penguin, 2004) Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell present an elegant and refreshingly (to us non-brain-scientists) understandable explanation of brain processes

Diane promised she would never be like her friend, Sara, who was always yelling (often screaming) at her kids, “Don’t do that! Do this! I’m sick and tired or telling you!” On and on! It was difficult for Diane to be around Sara, and she felt so sorry for the kids.

Early in the school year my first grade students were introduced to the Positive Discipline Wheel of Choice during our classroom meetings. We use the Wheel of Choice daily to solve problems and come up with solutions

This tool card provides an example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum, but that is certainly not the only time a hug can be an appropriate intervention when you understand the principle of hugs. Later, I’ll share where the example on the card came from; but first I want to share another example.

While rewards may be a quick way to motivate students, it is important to stop and think, “What are students learning when they receive rewards?” Research has shown that rewards are not effective long-term and in fact can be harmful to students. The rewards become more important than the inner satisfaction of learning and contribution.

The Johnson family was about to complete their weekly grocery shopping when five-year-old Jimmy started coaxing for a toy car. Mom asked politely, "Have you saved enough money from your allowance to buy it?" Jimmy looked sad and said, "No." Mom suggested, "Maybe you would like to save your allowance so you can buy that car when you have enough money."

It is much easier to take responsibility for a mistake when it is seen as a learning opportunity rather than something to be ashamed of. If we see mistakes as bad we tend to feel inadequate and discouraged and may become defensive, evasive, judgmental, or critical of others or ourselves. On the other hand, when mistakes are seen as opportunities to learn, recognizing them will seem like an exciting venture. "I wonder what I will learn from this one?" Self forgiveness is an important element of the first R of Recovery.

Positive Time-Out

Steps For Winning Cooperation

Back Talk

Understand the Brain Using the Palm of Your Hand

Act Without Words - A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Positive Discipline and the Wheel of Choice

Hugs: A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Avoid Rewards in the Classroom

Allowances Can Teach the Life Skill of Money Management

THE THREE Rs OF RECOVERY

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