Parents

Offering limited choices instead of making demands can be very effective. Children often respond to choices when they will not respond to demands, especially when you follow the choice with, "You decide." Choices should be respectful and should focus attention on the needs of the situation.

Close your eyes and remember the messages you received from parents and teachers about mistakes when you were a child. When you made a mistake, did you receive the message that you were stupid, inadequate, bad, a disappointment, a klutz? When hearing these messages, what did you decide about yourself and about what to do in the future?

One of the most encouraging things parents can do for their children is to spend regularly scheduled special time with them. You may already spend lots of time with your children. However there is a difference between have to time, casual time, and scheduled special time.

There was once a segment on Oprah in which families where challenged to give up electronics for a week, including TV. It was interesting to watch how difficult it was for parents, as well as their children, to give up all of their screens. One scene was particularly difficult to watch. A five-year-old boy could hardly stand it to give up playing video games. His temper tantrums were quite dramatic. His mother shared that she was embarrassed when she realized he had been playing video games for five hours a day. The good news was that after the whole family went through “media withdrawal,” they discovered how to replace screen time with family activities that increased their family closeness and enjoyment.

Diane promised she would never be like her friend, Sara, who was always yelling (often screaming) at her kids, “Don’t do that! Do this! I’m sick and tired or telling you!” On and on! It was difficult for Diane to be around Sara, and she felt so sorry for the kids.

Billy is sad because his friend doesn’t want to play with him. Susan is angry because she doesn’t want to pick up her toys. Tammie hates her baby brother and wants to hit him. Billy’s Mom tries to comfort him by saying, “Don’t feel sad, Billy. You have other friends, and I love you.” Susan’s Dad tries to squelch Susan’s anger by getting angry at her, “Don’t act like such a spoiled brat. Do you expect me to do everything? Can’t you be more responsible?” Tammie’s mother tries to deny Tammie’s feelings, “No you don’t hate your baby brother. You love him.”

When parents say, “My child doesn’t listen,” what they really mean is that my child doesn’t obey.” Parents give orders and children resist orders—just as their parent most likely would. If you are experiencing power-struggles with your children, take a look at your part in creating the power-struggle.

How many times has your teenager broken a promise to mow the lawn, clean the kitchen, pick up towels on the bathroom floor before leaving for school, or to rinse his bowl before the cereal becomes glued to the surface? If you didn't answer, "Many times!" you don't have a normal teenager.

Julie complained that her four-year-old son, Chad, is very responsive and cooperative with his father about going to bed, but when she puts him to bed and tries to leave, Chad yells for her to come back and wants her to lay down with him. Every time she tries to leave, he cries for her to come back. Julie feels exhausted and resentful that she can’t have the evening to herself or enjoy time with her husband. She wonders why she can't get the same cooperation from Chad as Dad does.

Rudolf Dreikurs taught, “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” In other words, encouragement is essential. Children may not die without encouragement, but they certainly wither. Since encouragement is so essential, it would be good for parents to know exactly what encouragement means and how to do it. Let’s start with what encouragement is not.