Parents

You hear a lot of talk these days about boundaries. Oprah talks about setting healthy boundaries. Parenting books explain how to set boundaries. Parents everywhere understand the need for rules. So what, precisely, is it that makes discipline so frustrating? The way I see it, it isn't setting the rules and boundaries that's the problem for most parents: it's following through.

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that the way to make a child "do" better is to first make him or her "feel worse"? That is the premise of punishment; and it is truly crazy. Think of the last time you felt scolded and humiliated by another adult. Were you thinking, "This is so helpful. I really appreciate it. I will now do so much better, and I can hardly wait to consult you will all my problems." Unlikely. The truth is that children (and adults) do better when they feel better.

If you are a teacher, have you been teaching long enough to remember when children sat in neat rows and obediently did what they were told? If you are a parent, do you remember when children wouldn’t dare talk back to their parents? If you don’t, perhaps your grandparents do.

When your child becomes a teenager, it is not uncommon for them to become defiant. They will often contradict you and even try to sabotage your best efforts to create a harmonious family life. This can be very discouraging to parents and usually results in constant power struggles.

In many of our books we talk about "Positive Time Out." There are several points that need to be made regarding time out for children who have not yet reached the age of reason:

An excerpt from the book, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers.

Understanding your preschooler’s development and filling your toolbox with Positive Discipline parenting tools will go a long way toward resolving conflicts with your young child. It also helps to know that temperament, birth order, brain development, physical and intellectual abilities, and skill acquisition underlie much of your child’s behavior in these early years. Still, even the most delightful preschooler isn’t perfect, and misbehavior can be frustrating. Why do children misbehave? And what should parents do about it?

Question:

Have you ever “lost it” with you kids? My guess is that most people will answer, “Yes,” to this question. The next question is, “Then what did you do?”. Did you feel guilty and beat up on yourself. Or did you rejoice because you just provided your children with a model of learning from mistakes? A primary theme of Positive Discipline is that “Mistakes are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn”. This is true for adults as well as children.

There are many reasons why teens lack motivation to do what parents want them to do. (You'll notice they don't lack motivation to do what they want to do — talk on the phone, skateboard, shop, party, etc.)

A week ago you received the article on the Positive Discipline Tool Card on Take Time for Training that was written mostly by Katie Clark. Katie added the Routines tool and experienced a breakdown. She handled it very well, even though she didn't know she was handling it well. See why.