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Spend Special Time

DURING THE TEEN years, when your children spend less and less time with you, it's more important than ever to connect in ways that really count. Unfortunately, there are several conditions that make quality time especially difficult to achieve: busy schedules, teenagers' preference to be with their friends, and time spent lecturing, judging, and punishing.

There is so much focus in Positive Discipline on getting students involved in solutions, validating their feelings, asking them questions, understanding their behavior, connecting with them, and so on. Do you ever wonder, “What about me?”

Connection is a key concept of Positive Discipline, and 2019 was all about connecting with people around the world who are creating respectful relationships in homes and schools. Read the stories below about some of our highlights this past year.

You know you have a teenager when you hear yourself complaining, “She has no purpose. He won‘t help. She only cares about her friends. He is so self-centered. Her room is a mess. I can‘t trust him. This is out of control. I can‘t stand her hair, clothes, makeup, or music. He wastes his money. She resents me and idolizes rock stars. He is on drugs and treats me like dirt. She is moody and irresponsible.”

Question:

I am the mother of a 3yr old boy (his birthday is actually tomorrow) and he is also a student in my Montessori school. Over the year he has been at school we have had many challenges with me being "around" a lot and never really having that separation from me that other kids get. (I don't teach anymore but still sub sometimes in his class.) He recently turned a corner, seems to be doing well and is settling down. He is also very bright. He has a fantastic vocabulary and wonderful memory retention. He is independent and capable.

During a class meeting, students in a fifth grade class were asked to brainstorm logical consequences for two students who didn't hear the recess bell and were late for class. Following is their list of "consequences:"

Imagine your child is now 25-years-old and has knocked on your door for a surprise visit. What kind of person do you hope to see in front of you? What characteristics and life skills do you hope he or she has?

Question:

Hi, I have a daughter who just turned 5 and a 20 month old son. My daughter is constantly giving us trouble, at home and at day care. I'll start with "she actually bit someone a few weeks ago at school. I couldn't believe it at her age. Then when I asked her who she bit, she said she didn't bite anyone. So, she is already lying to us, too.

I love you, AND the answer is, “No.”

Rudolf Dreikurs taught the importance of being both Kind and Firm in our relations with children. Kindness is important in order to show respect for the child. Firmness is important in order to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation. Authoritarian methods usually lack kindness. Permissive methods lack firmness. Kindness and firmness are essential for Positive Discipline.

Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). Closeness and trust create a safe learning environment. You have a positive influence only in an atmosphere of closeness and trust where there is no fear of blame, shame or pain.

Spend Special Time

Decide What You Will Do For Teachers

Connecting With the World

Parenting Teens: How Do You Know When Your Child Becomes a Teen?

Is Something Tougher than Positive Discipline Needed?

No More Logical Consequences (at least hardly ever) Focus On Solutions

What Do You Want For Your Children?

Five-Year-Old Lying and Constantly in Trouble

I love you, AND the answer is, “No.”

18 WAYS TO AVOID POWER STRUGGLES

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