Parents Q&A

A parent asked for help regarding the power struggle to get her children to clean up their rooms. I shared the following excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn:

"My Teenager Doesn’t Keep His Agreements!" If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that line. Does anyone have a teenager who does keep all his or her agreements? Did you? Now that we’ve established that this is a typical complaint of many parents of teens, what is an effective way to handle this challenge?

Question:
I just found this sight and I already feel so relieved that you may be able to help. I already read e-mail about 10yr old "forgetful" girl. My question is how responsible can I legitimately expect my 10 yr old step-son to be. I believe he "forgets" to do chores right or brush his teeth etc. because he gets special undivided attention when he is getting in trouble even though it is negative attention. He is a very intelligent boy. His biological mother is rarely in the picture and constantly lets him down never making him feel important and I think he is replacing that much needed good feeling with all negative attention.

Do you have any information that addresses the issue of differing parent styles in the home. ie one parent wants to use the positive parent style but the other wants to use rewards and punishments to control? What can the positive discipline parent do to when dealing with the issues that result from an "anti positive discipline" parenting style?

Question:

I recently read your book, Positive Discipline: The First Three Years and I cannot tell you how much better I understand my 2 1/2 year old son! I was hoping you could direct me toward some reading material, or even offer a suggestion though. He is a very bright boy, happy at home. However, he is constantly telling us he is "scared" of other kids, and sometimes adults too. It seems to really hold him back socially. We had a psychologist meet with him, but she stated he is just high strung. I somehow think there is more to it... If you could point me in a new direction?

Question:
It is only today that I've discovered your website, a day after my husband and I have already told our 11 year old son that as a consequence to two pretty severe behavioral issues, he was not going to be able to participate in an upcoming motorcycle race, or to sleep over at a friends' house for Halloween. I am now realizing after scouring your website, that taking away privileges, isn't the best method; and we certainly didn't agree in advance what limits would be set, and what would happen. My concern however, is that if we don't follow through with the "punishment" that has been set, that we will have totally missed an opportunity to impart the seriousness of his behavior, and our ability to stick to our plan. Help? Olivia

Hi Jane,

My daughter will soon be 8. We have a great relationship and are very close. She is having difficulty at school. Sometimes with her friends she is like a different person to how she is at home, she becomes very bossy and sometimes possessive of her best friends. Unfortunately it is making some of the other girls dislike her and leave her out, not inviting her to parties etc. I don’t know how to deal with the situation and how to stand back in a positive light rather than feeling like I want to tell these kids off for being so mean. It’s a difficult situation as really she is being over enthusiastic and I feel misinterpreted. I don’t have any problems at home and the flip side is that my laid back 6-year-old girl is Miss popular in her class. Help how can I help her to be liked?

Question:

Dear Jane:

My daughter is 7 3/4. This morning, she left the house and walked to school without saying a word. What is an appropriate disciplinary action for this? I feel that the issues are:

My (just turned) 4 year old son is very difficult to live with and hard to figure out at the moment. Briefly put, firstly, he will speak over someone else in the family or try to override their will with his without paying any attention to what they need or want no matter how reasonable.

Hi Jane,

My 4-year old recently started kindergarten and has to wear a school uniform. I tried to prepare her as much as I could over the summer about having to wear it for school. Thankfully we haven’t encountered any major issues in the morning when she has to put it on.

A couple of weeks ago however, we found out that the kids are going to be doing Judo once a week, and last week they were given their Judo uniforms, and the parents were asked to send the kids to school every Wed in the Judo uniform and pack their school uniform in the backpacks. Again, we talked about it, tried it on, and she seemed to be fine with the idea.