Question:
I'm just reading Positive Discipline A-Z and finding it very helpful. I have two daughters almost 2 and almost 4 years old.
I have (unfortunately) been using negative time-out practices with our older daughter and would like to switch over to positive, but don't know how to make the switch. The ridiculous situation we're in is that she's never been willing to respect the time-out to begin with, so I've had to hold the door closed the entire length of the time-out, which makes me feel a terrible ogre. How do I switch to the positive time-out/take a break concept with this history behind us, and help her to really utilize it by taking the time she needs and not just bolting out of the room? Usually I reserve time-outs for times when she is frustrated about not getting her way and resorts to hitting me.
Answer:
You could start by apologizing to your daughter and tell her that you have been using time out as a punishment, and that you don't want to do that any more, because taking time out is a good thing to give people time to calm down and feel better so they can do better. Positive time out is effective only when children are old enough to help design it and then "choose it." Brainstorm with her about how to design an area that would help her feel better when she is upset – cushions, books, stuffed animals, soft music -- and then to think of another name, such as the "feel good place" or the "cool-off spot". Then when she is frustrated, you can ask, "Would it help you to go to your feel good spot or would you like to put this problem on the family meeting agenda. You decide?" It is very encouraging and empowering for a child to have a choice.
Sometimes you could ask, "Would it help you to go to your "feel good place", and if she says no, you could offer another choice – "Would you like me to go with you?" Many children like this option – and parents usually need the time out just as much or more than their children. If she still says no, you could say, "Okay, then I think I'll go there." What a great model to teach your child that time out is not a bad thing, but something that can give people a chance to feel better so they can do better.
It is important to understand that even positive time out should never be the only tool you use. Maybe it would be more helpful to validate her feelings, "I can see how frustrating this is for you." Sometimes it is better to simply allow a little time and have faith in her to deal with her upset feelings. Too often parents jump in too soon and don't allow time for children to strengthen their disappointment muscles.
The book "Positive Time Out and Over 50 Other Ways to Avoid Powers Struggles" is an excellent book the gives many more details about how to use positive time out – and many other tools to use instead.
Even Positive Time Out should not be used for your two-year-old, who is not old enough to design it or to choose it. "Positive Discipline the First Three Years" is filled with tools for understanding and encouraging younger children.
Remember, it takes time to learn and use new skills. Hang in there and, as Rudolf Dreikers said over and over, "Have the courage to be imperfect." Jane Nelsen
