Hello,

I am wondering if you can offer myself, my husband, and my daughter some advice.
Our daughter is 4 and in nursery class at school. She behaves very well at school and makes friends quite easily. She is popular, bright, and affectionate usually. She has always had a very powerful temper, which she struggles to keep control of, well actually she doesn't struggle at all she just goes wild.

By virtue of my husband's work, I am at home with her alone in the evening. I also work full time, so I look forward to seeing her and spending time with her.

The problem is this red mist that seems to appear whenever something is not to her liking. Bedtime is a major flashpoint, so is washing, or bath time, as she knows she will be going to bed. I have tried saying ten minutes to go, do you want a bath, or a stand up wash at the sink? I try to let her decide but it makes no difference, well sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. It depends on her mood at the moment. The thing is she cannot control herself at all. She is incredibly aggressive and destructive to things that she really loves, as well as me. But I cannot reason with her at all, she acts like she cannot hear me. She bites, screams, kicks, punches, smashes things. She ripped the curtains from her windows tonight...I was in total shock. Afterwards, she can barely believe what she has done. I understand that she wants more time to play before having to go to bed, but I feel that if she does not have adequate sleep her tiredness may cause her to display disruptive behavior elsewhere.

I cannot get near her to hug her and she tells me she hates me. She is great in most other ways. She whines and moans like most kids her age, she ignores you when you call her, but we try to encourage her to do the right thing wherever possible and tell her all the time how much we love her.

Apart from this temper she shows no other signs I can see of being disturbed emotionally, no bedwetting, no bullying, or being bullied, making friends fine, learning very well and enjoying school. She shows compassion and empathy for other children and for animals. To be honest I am just out of ideas and feeling like a bad mother. Please help.

Ellie
 

Dear Ellie,

Hi. My name is Debi Sementelli. I am one of the Certified Positive Discipline Associates that answers questions from the Positive Discipline website. I was particularly interested in answering yours because it is something I have experienced with my own son when he was about the same age. I hope sharing some of my experiences, as well as how the Positive Discipline concept and tools have helped me to better understand myself and my son, will give you the encouragement to approach this challenge in a new light.

First of all, you are not a bad mother. Just the fact that you are asking for help and are open and willing to try to understand what's going on with your daughter is evidence of that. I commend you for having the courage to keep trying when you are obviously exhausted and overwhelmed. This is a very clear sign of your love for your daughter and your commitment to being the best mom you can be. Secondly, you mention that you work full time and your husband is not able to be at home in the evenings to help you out with your daughter. That's a large load to carry. This can add greatly to your level of ability to handle these challenges. I encourage you to negotiate a plan with your
spouse or perhaps a friend or neighbor, to relieve you at least once a week so you can get a break and renew your energy. Perhaps on the weekend? "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." The best way to teach self-love and self-respect is to model it. Taking time to do this for yourself can do wonders for your relationship with your spouse and child. Now, let's look at the big picture. You say your child has a "very powerful temper...and just goes wild." My second son has a similar temperament. I see 2 factors that could be going on here.

1. Your child's temperament.
2. Her natural need for power leading her to find it in negative ways.

1. Temperament. In Chapter 7 of the "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" book, this topic is covered pretty thoroughly. It will help you to understand what particular components make up your child's unique temperament. My son does not do transitions well. He needs to know in advance what is going to happen. Routines and structure help him to feel secure and act more cooperatively . He is extremely kinesthetic and therefore needs much more touching, cuddling, and hugging than my older son. As you mentioned, bedtime can be a problem for children who operate like this. Understanding this allows you to take a proactive approach. One possibility is to set up a visual routine chart with your daughter in advance. Set this up in advance when you are both calm. Let her be a part of deciding what should happen first, second, third, etc... Then invite her to help you cut out pictures that show the parts of the routine. (Some children love to have Polaroid pictures of themselves doing each task) Paste on a these picture on a poster for a visual cue. Then this "routine poster" becomes the "boss" instead of you. Instead of telling him what to do, you can ask, "What is next on your Routine Poster. Suggest that you have a "special time" together after she is fed, bathed, has put toys away and brushed her teeth. Sometimes they need one-on-one time where they choose the activity. Give her a list of quiet, calming activities to choose from to do together. Read a book, play a board game, put together puzzles, play with play dough... Also, some kids work with more structure in the form of time limits. With my son, if he was all done by 7:00 we got to play a game for 30 minutes, then read 2 books for 15 minutes and have snuggles and songs in his bed for 15 minutes with bedtime being at 8:00. If he wasn't ready until 7:15, the game time was eliminated. At 7:30, the game time and 1 book was eliminated. If he was ready at 7:45 we just did snuggles and songs. This helped him learn to respect my time and that he had the "power" to choose how much time with me he had before bed by cooperating in a timely fashion.

2. Need for Power. I mentioned the word "power" because that could be another part of what is going on with your child. It is normal and natural for children to need to have power in the family. When they do not know how to get it in a positive way they will seek it out in negative ways. This could be one of the reasons your daughter is creating power struggles with you at bedtime and bath. Her tantrums could also be a way to get this need met. Look at the power she has when she has tantrums. They also certainly get your attention! You even described her as having a "powerful temper". Recognizing this need again allows you to take the proactive approach by giving her positive ways to get power. Including her in setting up and making the routine chart is one way. Also giving her limited choices is another. Letting her pick out her own clothes is one
example of this. Keep in mind that there are some things kids don't get to choose if they do it, but we can let them help decide how they do it. For instance, taking a bath may not be an option but you can ask her "What would make taking a bath easier?" Would it help if you have some new bath toys to play with? Would you like to come up with a silly bath song that we sing on the way to the tub? You might be surprised how effective it can be to offer a choice such as, "Do you want to take your bath now or in 5 minutes. You decide." The "you decide" part is very important because it is letter her know that she has some power in the decision but not all power. I also would note that sometimes it's okay to negotiate things that don't have dire consequences. When my sons were little, we decided they could take a bath every other night in the winter because they didn't sweat or get that dirty then like they did in the summer. Now at 10 and 13 it is not an option! My feeling is that the bath time struggles are just symptoms of her need for either/or power and attention. In Positive Discipline this is called the "belief behind the behavior". You can also read about that further in the Preschooler book.

You mention that you tell her you love her a lot. That's a big plus. In addition, some kids need more specifics. Dr. William Glasser said, " Children will find in the eyes of the parents and teachers who raise them, mirrors in which they discover themselves." It's important for kids to be given the tools to develop an internal locus of control. This allows them to be less dependent on others approval of them and to develop healthy self-esteem. A very effective way to do this is to create a "Special Skills Chart". You trace your child's body on a large piece of craft paper. Have her color herself in. As part of the nighttime ritual, ask her one of three questions: "What do you do really well? What did you learn today that you're excited about? What do you like about yourself? What did you do to help someone today?" Whatever she says, write it down using brightly colored markers. Read the list to her nightly. As the list grows, so will her sense of herself. It's a wonderful gift to give to a child.

Lastly, I'd like to touch on anger management. It sounds like your daughter needs some training in this area. First of all remember that you are always modeling how to handle feelings. Be sure to model appropriate responses when you are angry or frustrated. First verbally identify the feeling, "I'm angry." Next, verbally identify how you are going to handle that, "I'm going to go cool off so I can make myself feel better." In advance, set up a cooling off place for her to go when she is angry or frustrated. Let her pick out things that will soothe or comfort her. Music, books, stuffed animals, a special blanket, etc... Let her pick out an area where these items can be kept within easy reach. Next explain that people and toys are not for hitting, kicking, punching, etc.. Then let her pick out some things that she can hit, kick or punch. Some suggestions would be : a designated "hitting pillow", a "bo-bo" blow up punching clown, and a soft "nerf" ball. Tell her if she needs to hit or kick or punch, these are the things she can use to do that. You might even practice by playing "pretend mad". You go first. Even if she doesn't want to take a turn she will learn from watching you. Above all don't try to teach or problem solve when she is "hot". Saying "I hate you mommy" is a normal thing for a child to do. Being destructive is not. Since I don't know what has happened in her life it's hard to say if this is happening because of the need for power/attention and anger management training or if there could be something else going on. Some questions come to mind: Has there been a death in the family? You and your spouse fighting a lot? Is she getting back at you or your spouse for something you might not be aware of? Is she really needing more of mom's attention. ( Kids know when you're just there in body but not in heart or mind!) If you try all of the above mentioned and still see no changes I recommend you seek professional counseling. You might also make your pediatrician aware of what's been happening.

The son I mentioned who exhibited similar behavior is now almost 11 years old. He is diagnosed with ADHD but has not needed to be put on medication because I have been working with him using the Positive Discipline concepts and tools since he was in preschool. Over time he has developed self-control and can handle his anger and frustration in a proactive way. He is also the child who has taught me the most about myself. Going through the challenges with him has taught me to be a stronger, more emotionally balanced person. Most of all I have learned that the challenges that come through our children can be the most healing experiences for us. You have the all the love you need for your child in your heart. Know that the parenting journey is traveled along a path whose purpose is to challenge you to have the courage to bring that love out in ways you never knew you could before. Know that the struggle is worth it ten times over.

Thank you for giving Positive Discipline the opportunity to support you in your journey. We wish you well.

In light and love,
Debi Sementelli
Certified Positive Discipline Associate