What are the problems I am having? Well, I am living in a society that condones everything positive discipline is against. i.e. spanking, threatening, yelling, all the old traditional methods that don't work. I think or feel that my children are living in a very confusing situation. At school they are 100% dictated and then they come home to Mom who is trying with all her might not to be affected by the society around her and implement positive discipline. My 45 yr. old husband just learned approx. a year ago how to say no with a smile. His behavior was so typical. The children would make an unreasonable request, 1st he would say no then the children would start with their please or temper tantrum in the end he would give in and of course something bad would happen and then the fire would start. Finally one night we were sitting alone in our bedroom and the children were a sleep and I told him. Sweetheart, you are the head of this household and it is your right to say no, but with respect. My father always use to tell us no with a smile, please Ahmed tell your children no with a smile and leave it at that.

They will test you in the beginning, but in the end they will accept your no. Now we are dealing with the school and the other parents.

Last year the school principal accused me on not spanking my 2nd daughter and that I was raising a spoiled brat. She is your typical 2nd child. Naughty, kind, lots of energy with a wild imagination and well she even can sometime convince her older more conventional sister to do things that are not all owed. For example not riding the bus home from school and going to their grandma's.

Sounds innocent, but in a city of 18 million the school was scared. The girls were suspended from the bus for 3 days, during which they exercised there freedom even more. I had them ride a taxi to and from school of course they got to school on time, but coming home was a different story. It took 3 hours on the third day I was in tears. I wanted to kill the two of them.

I know my children are normal, but I need the support of a group to help me through these teenage years. I feel so alone. Your products are not avail able here and if I even try to talk about the positive discipline theory with an Egyptian mother they give me this blank look. I know that positive discipline works especially since my oldest daughter who will be 13 in June has started entering the puberty period. All her friend lie to there parents and my daughter will come home and tell me and laughs with me and tells me how lucky she is to have such an understanding Mom. Yet I still feel all alone and like I am fighting an up hill battle with the school system and the general society.

What will become of my children who are growing up in all this confusion? Will they be dictators like the society they live in or discipline well adjusted adults?

I could go on for hours, but I will stop and hope that you will contact me. I have been trying to get in touch with a group of parents for more that 5 years with no luck. I would like to be able to receive your products.

Sincerely

Teresa

You are very eloquent about the challenges you face as a person who holds different beliefs than those held by the people around you. It is a VERY lonely place to be. It sounds like you have a pretty thorough understanding of Positive Discipline and that you have been effective in gently helping your husband that being kind and firm can really be effective.

There are no easy solutions to your "problem". But here are some things that might help.

1. Remember that you are not really alone. The situation you describe is actually very common even in the United States. We OFTEN get letters and e-mails from parents and teachers (in the United States) in environments where they feel like they are the only ones that understand that children are human beings and need to be treated with dignity and respect just like adults. My own daughter came home from school one day and complained about how teachers yelled and punished and then used phony rewards. She said that going to school "was like going into a different time zone" every day because the worlds were so different.

2. Children are flexible. They can adapt to environments that are not respectful. What your children have that others don't is that at home they have a place where they DO feel respected, nurtured and accepted for who they are. Because of that they can create an anchor and keep that part of them alive.

3. Every child walks their own path on earth. Even though we want things to be easy for our children (and all children) that is not the way it is right now. Think about your own life. Some of the experiences that have a lot of meaning and helped you be a better person were not always positive. We really do learn from our mistakes! Humans are resourceful. (I am not saying here that there might not have been "easier" or "nicer" ways to learn these same things....just that what looks horrible can have positive aspects). Keeping this in mind helps me not get quite SO discouraged.

4. Have faith in your kids. One of my worries about my kids is that the behavior of other kids will rub off on them, that some how they will lose their sense of self and (oh my goodness!) make a mistake that will be a really painful lesson. As my kids have grown up (they are now 15,13 and 10) I am learning to have more and more faith in them. Two things have helped. I have a better sense that they DO know who they are because I am better able to see what their core values are, AND I am relaxing a lot about mistakes. I know that they will make mistakes and that they as individuals and we as a family have learned more skills and we can learn from those mistakes. ( I am still pretty anxious about my teenager driving with other teens....and when she goes somewhere with another teen I have started asking her lots of questions about the driver. Part of that is me still beinganxious...and part of it is consciously teaching her the questions to ask by modeling...without saying "you should find out this".)

5. Dealing with people who tell you what you should be doing: You clearly know what works for you and your family. When someone tells you to do something else you might try saying "Thank you for your suggestion" and just leave it at that. If the principal is worried that your child is having trouble it might be appropriate for you to find out from your child what is really happening and see if there are other skills your child needs so that they can be respectful when the situation calls for it.

6. Last but not least: remember to take care of yourself. I have learned this the hard way. I now know that when I feel better it is easier for me to have faith in my children. When I feel better it is easier for me to relax about what otherpeople say and do. Around the parenting issues I take care of myself in two ways ( I am sharing this to give you ideas... you will need to figure out what works for you!!): I help myself feel better by exercising, spending time with friends and makingsure I have some "reserve". I help myself deal with other people by remembering what I can do, not make other people do. For example, when people are yelling at their kid in the grocery store I can smile at the child and send them love, or I can empathize with theparent that "some days are really tough". Then I let go of what they "SHOULD" be doing. The world will change by millions of small kind acts, not by people telling others what they SHOULD be doing.

I also decided to help teach Positive Discipline in our community. Lots of parents do that. It is fun and not difficult. Next time you are in the US you could take a teaching parenting class and set up your own classes in Cairo. The materials are not available in the stores in Cairo now..... but you could either order them yourself through the website or talk one of the bookstores that caters to the English speaking ex-pat community into buying and selling the books.

Best wishes to you and your family. Your kids are lucky to have such a kind and respectful Mom!

Jody McVittie, M.D.
Certified Positive Discipline Associate.