Dear Dr. Nelsen,

I enjoyed reading your articles very much and look forward to reading Positive Discipline soon. I have a 3 1/2 year old son who is very bright and affectionate, but also very volatile. He can go from happy and giggling to sullen, downcas,and stubborn in the blink of an eye.

My problems surround routines--which we always calmly and neutrally discuss with him in advance (because he really needs warning). Each morning on the way to Montessori School, we talk about what he'll do and his friends, and he's excited and laughing, but the moment I park the car and it's time to get out and go into the school, he becomes sullen and won't cooperate or come along. I've tried cajoling and enticing, discussing the fun the school has planned, and even what we'll do at the end of the day, but he stays miserable. This is perplexing, especially because he attended the same school all summer and loved every day and never fussed. The school schedule has changed slightly and there's a little more structure, but overall it is the same. Our home life has also been essentially the same over the last six months.

I admit, I wind up feeling my internal temperature rise on particularly tough mornings and I'm sure my frustration and anger become apparent to him, even if I try to stay calm. But this pattern happens throughout the day, from getting dressed, to eating meals, to leaving for fun events from home (with Mom, Dad, and 14-month-old brother). I try to give him time and choices, set consistent limits, and reward him and encourage him often--catch him doing things right. But still each day there are crying fits and "no, no, no!!" to anything I suggest.

Any suggestions you have would be welcomed! Thanks for your time.

I hope you also find a copy of "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers." We include a section on how to avoid hearing "no" and how to avoid saying "no." There is also a chapter on temperament and on sibling rivalry.

I'm not sure what is going on, a slow to adapt temperament, sibling rivalry, or just a plain ol' power struggle. However, I will make some guesses. First, it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Since that is true, it could be that your son is simply pushing your reaction buttons. I wonder what would happen if you carried a book with you, and simply started to read every time he started a fit, and patiently waited for him to finish. (Obviously, you would have to plan extra time for this.)

Please stop the rewards. I don't have time to go into that, but you will read about the negative long-range effects.

Is he involved in creating the routines, or do you just inform him? You might try getting him involved in creating a routine chart: make pictures that indicate each thing that comes next. Then ask him, "What is next on our routine chart?" You can go to the chart with him, point to a picture, and ask, "What does this stand for." (You could take a small chart with you in the car. When you stop at preschool, show him the chart and ask him to point to what is next.) Often children are more cooperative when they feel part of the process. Let me know if this works.

Jane Nelsen