Dear Dr. Nelson,

Thank you for an informative web site! I would greatly value your insight and advice on parenting my seven year old son.

Ours is a family blessed with a strong marriage and three healthy children (the seven year old is in the middle). My husband and I both spend a great deal of time with our kids--I am a stay-at-home mom--and put lots of effort into parenting. I am a veteran of early childhood classes and continue to seek out guidance for the challenge of raising "Dan." I am impressed with your ideas of positive discipline and try to use some of the suggestions that I've read about. And I use natural and logical consequences because I have not been able to gain compliance from Dan.

Dan has seen child psychologists (years at a time), and I am currently consulting with a psychologist in an attempt to come up with ways to encourage compliance and socially acceptable behavior at home. While he handles himself well in school, he is terribly difficult to live with at home. The professionals and I believe that this is because he feels secure enough to "let his hair down" with us. So far the professionals have not been of much practical assistance. Dan refuses to help out at home though we have tried several methods, including charts, stickers, and rewards, and defies us most of the time. We stick to the defined consequences, but as hard as we try, this child is terribly disruptive and disrespectful to the whole family.

The situation is more complex now because during his first grade year he began to fall behind in reading. He hates it. We see this skill as critical to everything else he will do in his life. I have worked closely with his teacher and came up with a plan for what to do at home with him during the school year and the summer, but I wonder if it is worth the strain on my relationship with Dan.

Many professionals now tell me that these traits, plus his consistent negative and pessimistic attitude are temperament, and that we will not be able to help him change. This breaks my heart. I have to believe that I can somehow help him find ways of managing his temperament that will work better for him and enable him to be happier. My first question to you is this: How do I do this?!

Second, I am doing everything I possibly can to keep my son from falling too far behind in school. And I am trying everything I know of to parent him in ways that will encourage him to grow and be confident--thus his success in behaving at school. My second question is this: How and where can I get the help that Dan and I desperately need without having to let his schoolwork and school behavior sink lower?

Thank you for considering my situation!

Kathleen

Dear Kathleen,

I agree with the professionals that much of Dan's behavior is due to temperament, but do not agree that nothing can be done. I think you would find "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" very helpful. We cover temperament in this book and many other things I think you could use, even though Dan is now seven.

Again, you mention rewards (stickers, etc.). I repeat that I don't think these are effective (as you have learned). All of our books are filled with other methods that are respectful and teach children cooperation and problem-solving skills.

One problem you mention is not helping around the home. It is usually effective to have children involved in finding solutions during a family meeting. Another method is to have children help create a routine chart--and then let the chart be the boss.

Have you seen our book "Positive Discipline A-Z"? In this book we provide many suggestions on the subject of chores--and many other subjects. It may sound like I am just trying to sell you books. I'm not. I hope you can find these books at a library. It is just that I would have to write the books all over to answer your questions. (And, I would have given my eye teeth to have these books while I was raising my children.)

I'm not saying that Dan will ever be "an easy" child. However, I do believe there are ways to motivate him and to be respectful with him--kind and firm at the same time. And, I congratulate you on your caring concern.

Regarding where to get help, please call 1-800-456-7770 to see if there are any classes in your area on Developing Capable People or on Positive Discipline. You would also find a great deal of encouragement and skills by attending one of our workshops. Have you received our newsletter?

I wish you the best.

Jane Nelsen