Dear Jane

I am writing from New Zealand (we have the same discipline problems with our kids down here!). I have recently bought Positive Discipline, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, and the A-Z, but can't quite find anything to fit this problem.

We started to toilet train my two-and-a-half-year-old son about three months ago, as he was showing all the signs of readiness. After a couple of weeks, he seemed to be more or less there, with just occasional "accidents." However, recently he has started to relapse and will go for several days deliberately wetting or soiling his pants--particularly the latter.

I might ask him if he needs to go to the toilet and he'll say no and literally one minute later do it in his pants. If I don't ask, he still does it in his pants.

I don't get mad when he does it, I just ask him to help clean up the mess. He often asks me if it makes me sad, and I usually say yes. We talk about what he could do to make me feel better, but for him that doesn't seem to involve changing his behavior!

I find it really annoying when I know he is quite capable of using the toilet but he is choosing not to--for example, he sometimes goes for a week or two with nothing other than occasional genuine accidents (which I don't mind) and he NEVER has accidents while we're out at the shops or in the car. But doing it in his pants every time for two or three days--or alternatively, going for a week of urinating in the toilet but always soiling in his pants really frustrates me.

Other points that may be relevant: we have a 15-month old daughter, and my son often imitates her, as he sees her babyish behavior being applauded (but I feel we also give him loads of encouragement); and I have tried giving him small chores to do, which he enjoys but they don't seem to encourage him to take responsibility in the toileting area.

Please help!!

Regards

Adele

Dear Adele, How fun to hear from someone in New Zealand. I would love to come there some day.

I was so glad to hear your "other points that may be relevant." Your son is obviously feeling "dethroned." If you look more closely in the books you mentioned, we cover much that is directly related to your concern. Read the information on birth order and on the mistaken goals of misbehavior. Presently you are dealing with the behavior. It sounds like you are being very encouraging regarding his behavior, and this is important. However, you will be even more effective when you deal with the "belief" behind the behavior. My guess is that your son believes that you love your daughter more than him. (This is not a conscious belief, but his behavior is based on this subconscious belief.)

I forget if the candle demonstration is explained in the books you mentioned, so I will tell it here.

Find four candles: one to represent you, one for your husband, one for your son, and one for your daughter. Wait until your daughter is asleep and sit down at the table with your son, the candles, candle holders, and a match. Tell him the following story:

These candles represent our family. (Pick up the Mommy candle.) This is the Mommy candle. (Light the candle.) This flame represents my love. (Pick up the Daddy candle and light that candle from the Mommy candle.) When I married your Daddy, I gave him all my love, AND I still have all my love left. (Put the Daddy candle in a candle holder and then pick up the candle for your son and light it from the Mommy candle.) When you were born I gave you all my love, and I Daddy still has all my love, and I still have all my love left. (Put his candle in a candle holder, pick up the baby candle and light it from the Mommy candle.) When your sister was born, I gave her all my love. You still have all my love, Daddy still has all my love, and I still have all my love left, because that is the way love is. (Put the baby candle and the Mommy candle in candle holders.) Now look at all the bright light we have in our family with all this love.

Children are usually very impressed with this demonstration. You might even blow out all the candles except his and help him light the other candles so he can see how he can give his love away and still have it.

Please let me know how it goes.

Jane Nelsen