To: Jane Nelsen

My 2-1/2 year old hits immediately upon not getting her way, usually from her older sisters. I usually remove her and try to distract her with something else, but if she can no longer reach her sisters, she starts hitting me. I've tried ignoring it, but she keeps hitting harder, and I don't want to stand there and let her continue to hit me. I've tried walking away, but she follows me so that she can keep hitting, and I don't feel comfortable locking myself in the bathroom for any great length of time and leaving her unsupervised in the house. I've taken to putting her in her room when she does it and not letting her out until she stops, and although it tends to solve the problem at that moment it hasn't help to lessen her behavior. It also doesn't work when we're in church, or at her sisters' ballet class, or in the school library, when I can't just walk out with her when she start doing it. Any suggestions?

Thank you,

Heike

Dear Heike,

I have been getting so many questions on hitting lately. I have to wonder where it is coming from. Does your daughter watch TV? Do people hit her?

It might be helpful to notice if there is anything in her environment that she is copying. It could be that she does this simply because she hasn't learned important social skills--because she is not yet developmentally ready to do so.

We have two books that I think you might enjoy. One is "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers "and the other is "Positive Discipline A-Z." Both of these books have hundreds of nonpunitive discipline ideas. The first book covers developmental issues. We cover hitting in both books, but I will give you a brief answer now.

Try a hug. (Have you read my article on the home page titled, "I Need a Hug"?) This may sound like it is rewarding the misbehavior, but it is not. It is dealing with the root cause--her discouragement. Children do better when they feel better.

Don't try to talk to her about hitting at the time of upset. Wait until she has calmed down and then "show" her other ways to deal with her frustration, such as, "Use your words." Then teach her words she can use, such as, "I'm angry" or "I want a turn, please."

Another possibility is to continue to use distraction. The mistake you might be making is to expect this to work overnight. It doesn't. You just keep distracting until she gets older and/or learns other skills. And, you can walk out of church, a ballet, or a library. The key is to kindly and firmly take her by the hand and leave without saying anything. Keeping your mouth shut is one important key. A kind and firm manner is the other important key. Your child will learn more and faster from kind and firm actions that from scolding--which just increases the possibility that the behavior will continue.

Jane Nelsen