To: Jane Nelsen

Our ten-year-old daughter continually has to be reminded to turn off the lights, pick up after herself, flush the toilet, chew with her mouth closed, take care of her new clothes, keep valuable things off the floor, talk quieter, etc., etc. I've taken TV privileges away, valuable things found on the floor have been off limits for a period of time, and resorted to grounding her from the telephone. It doesn't seem to get through to her. Our "talks" turn into lectures, threats, and ultimatums. She is 5'2" tall and has started menstruation recently. She seems to be preoccupied. Some of the fifth grade girls have "boyfriends" and my daughter desperately wants a "boyfriend." I try to discourage the boyfriend idea but there is little I can do. The boys are nice to her, but none are interested in her as a girlfriend and this is upsetting to her. I'm at a loss. It seems like I am always getting on her case. What can I do?

Stop getting on her case. She is a normal fifth grader. This does not mean you should be permissive. It does mean that lectures and punishment are not effective--as you have already learned.

Have family meetings where you work on solutions together. Then follow through to enforce the decisions with dignity and respect. This means that, since she is a normal pre-teen, she will not usually keep her agreements. Follow through means that you remind her with dignity and respect, "What was our agreement? Please do it now." Most parents get upset because they think their kids should act like adults. They complain, "I don't want to have to remind my kids." However, they don't seem to mind lecturing and scolding. (Well, they may mind, but they don't stop--even when it doesn't work.) A friendly reminder is much more effective and less time consuming.

It is not too early to get a copy of "Positive Discipline for Teenagers."You will find the information in this book extremely valuable--including the Four Steps for Follow Through, the Four Traps that Defeat Follow Through, and the Four Hints for Effective Follow Through--and lots more ideas that are more effective than lectures, threats, and ultimatums.