Dear Dr. Nelsen

My older son became a big brother three months before his 3rd birthday. Before his brother's birth, he was unbelievably easy and a joy to be around. After his brother was born, almost a year ago, his personality seemed to turn 180 degrees. We chalked it up to a need for time to adjust, but it has been a year now. We have tried many things (preparation for his brother's birth, talking about his special role in the family, time spent with him, and mom and dad alone--or with one or the other of us, having him "help" with little brother, cuddling him and reading to him while nursing little brother, etc.) but nothing has seemed to help get him back to the way he was before his brother's birth. Where once he would cheerfully pick up toys, now he willfully says "no" and must be forced to do so. Where he would once answer "yes, mommy," now he will ignore us until we have to raise our voices just to get his attention. He never had a tantrum before little brother, but now there are usually several pretty bad ones a week, when he doesn't get to do what he wants to do when he wants to. We've also worked really hard to keep him from being rough with his little brother, but he still likes to bop him on the head, or push him roughly away, especially when he thinks we aren't looking.

I'd like to have my "sweet" little boy back. Any suggestions?

You have a classic case of "dethronement." It is typical and normal for the oldest to feel "dethroned" when the youngest is born.

It sounds to me like you are doing all the "right" things, except that you may have unrealistic expectations and may be trying a little too hard. Instead of trying to convince your son about how he should feel, let him feel what he feels. It might help for you to "get into your son's world" and imagine what it might feel like to be dethroned. How would you like it if your husband brought home a new wife and expected you to be your old sweet self?

Help him verbalize his feelings, "I wonder if you think I love the baby more than you. That could make you very angry and want to hurt your brother." Parents could help their children by helping them understand the difference between what they feel and what they do. "It is okay to be angry at your baby brother, but it is not okay to hurt him. When you are angry you can punch a pillow, or do something else, such as hug your teddy bear, until you feel better."

Dethronement is not easy for children, but they live through it. You might enjoy the chapter on birth order in" Positive Discipline."

Jane Nelsen