Dear Dr. Nelsen,

First of all, I want to thank you so much for your books--they have really saved my sanity! Also, I enjoyed your appearance on Town Meeting here in Seattle.

I was wondering how you feel about requiring a child to apologize to another person after they have done something hurtful. For example, if one of my children (ages 3-1/2 and 21 months) hits the other, we have been trying to get them to say they were sorry to the other. If it is my 3-1/2 year old that has done the hitting, it can be quite a power struggle to get her to apologize. I want them to respect each other and learn that it is okay to have done something wrong as long as they realize it was wrong, try to correct it, and learn from it. We do sit down with them and talk to them about how it hurts, etc.

Best Regards,

Barbara

Dear Barbara,

I do not think it is a good idea to force children to apologize. I do think it is a good idea to help them see for themselves that it might be a helpful thing to do. First, it is important to validate their feelings about whatever happened. Get into your children's world and make some guesses about what was upsetting.

It is also important to wait until there has been a cooling-off period. Then help them explore what happened, what caused it to happen, and what they learned from it, and their ideas to solve the problem. You do this by ASKING, not by lecturing. (When you say you talk to your children, are you lecturing or helping them explore though respectful questions?) You might ask, "When someone hurts your feelings, what would make you feel better? Would it help if that person said she was sorry? Would you like to help your brother feel better? What could you do?"

Anytime you are in a power struggle, you may WIN, but your child will not learn.

I hope this helps,

Jane Nelsen