Help. I know this letter may seem long, but I do not know where else to go. I am an In-Home Daycare Provider. I have always loved my job but now I am seriously considering quitting. One month ago I took on a new family. The parents have two kids. One child is ten months old and the other child is three. The three year old is a handful. Before he came to my home he got "kicked" out of a daycare center. He does not listen, he is extremely physical, he screams continuously and he even bites. This child is always on the go. I spend about 75% of my day disciplining him, entertaining him,or distracting him. It is not fair to my other kids. I have tried everything I can think of doing to give him what he needs. His parents are hardly ever with him (he is on business a lot and she is in law school). They spend about 11 hours a day with me and often have another sitter at night and on weekends. I know this is a lot of his problem. His parents also spank him. I have tried distracting him, giving him lots of love and kisses, keeping him extremely busy, I have given him"choices" and when all else fails I put him in Time-Out. He is an intelligent child, but he has no social skills or motor skills. He cannot dress himself and he is not potty trained.One good example of his behavior is, today one of my friends came over with her child to play. The little boy walked in and he just smacked him in the face. Later we went to an indoor play gym and we had to leave because he was so out of control. He was pushing other kids and jumping in the baby ball pit. I told him five times not to play in the pit (there were at least five babies in it). Sure enough he jumped in and jumped right on top of a baby. I tried to talk to him, but he just ran away from me. I had to chase him around the place and pick him up and carry him to a chair. He was throwing a fit! He was screaming and kicking. I finally took him to the restroom and he calmed down. I really do not know what to do. I am reading books on discipline, but I can only read so fast. I am fairly well educated and experienced in ECE but I have never seen a kid quite like this one. Is there anyhope? I can see his behavior starting to "rub" off on my three- year-old. I did not tell you, but my home daycare is a really small business. I only have these two kids and my own two kids. Please help.

Please don't quit. From reading your letter, it seems to me that kind of loving, concerned, caring person who should be doing home daycare. It also appears to me that you are doing positive discipline methods--kind and firm, but nonpunitive. Instead of quitting your job, I suggest you tell the family the truth--that unless their children receive more quality time and nonpunitive discipline at home, they will be impossible in a daycare situation--and later in school.

I sometimes feel hesitant to suggest my books because people often judge that as my only interest. However, the only reason I suggest my books is because the concepts I teach helped me so much and they help others. Let the parents know about "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers "and "Positive Discipline A-Z". The first book helps parents and ECE teachers understand Erikson's social development theory and how to parent in ways that help children develop trust vs. mistrust, autonomy vs. doubt and shame, and initiative vs. guilt. It also covers the work of Thomas, Chess, and Birch--and how to parent in ways that respect personality temperaments, understanding misbehavior, and much more. The latter book has over 1001 nonpunitive suggestions for just about every misbehavior you can name. The methods are designed to help children learn the life skills they need to be successful in life. These books can be found in book stores or by calling 1-800-456-7770 to order the books or to receive a free catalog.

I feel very strongly that these parents are placing their children at a very low priority in their lives (based on what you tell me) and I think they should be told this--kindly and firmly. I predict that they will continue to pay a very high price for this in behavior problems, but that does not concern me as much as the high price these children pay as they try to find belonging and significance through misbehavior. I wish you the best. Please don't quit.

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