Q.We have a problem with our five- year- old following classroom rules from her teacher. She talks constantly when she is not supposed to. The teacher says she is exceptionally bright and can do any work put in front of her. At nap time, she may get up and walk around when she should be lying down. We have taken away her favorite things at home and this has not helped. The consequences of the situation does not seem to bother her. She is also a very loving child. Any advice is greatly appreciated...

A. Children are unique. They have different personalities, different temperaments, and different learning styles. Yet, most adults expect all children to act the same and to follow the same rules in exactly the same way. Your child is obviously an extrovert, yet she is expected to act like an introvert. She may not need the amount of sleep that other children need, and she is punished for this.

I suggest you stop all punishment before a loving child becomes a rebellious child.Please don't "take away her favorite things" to make her "pay" for who she is. You say she is exceptionally bright and loving. Use these assets to work "with" her to solve the problems. Perhaps the teacher could get her involved in helping her during the time she is not supposed to be talking. If it is story time, perhaps she could hold the book while the teacher reads; if it is a time when others need a turn to talk, perhaps she could call on children who have their hands raised. Most important, get her involved in brainstorming for solutions that would be respectful to everyone. You might be surprised at her ideas about how to solve the problem when she has an opportunity to think of solutions. This method could also be used for nap time (or any problem). Brainstorm WITH her. Some possible solutions would be for her to lie on her cot and look through a book while others are sleeping. She could be in charge of watching the clock to let the teacher know when nap time is over.

I hope you get the drift of what I'm saying. Teach cooperation instead of obedience. There is only one skill involved in obedience: to do as one is told. Think of all the problems that have been created when people learn only to be obedient. On the other hand, there are many important skills involved in cooperation: listening skills, thinking skills, problem-solving skills, concern for others, a desire to contribute. The list could go on and on.

All of the Positive Discipline books are designed to help children learn the skills of cooperation. That is why we never suggest punishment. I hope this helps.

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