Dear Jane,

I have just received your books. I ordered a few of them: Positive Discipline for Preschoolers and Positive Discipline: A-Z. I've been reading Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. I do and have in the past do MOST of what you suggest. (My boy/girl twins turned three in November by the way.)I do give them choices and I always try to keep in mind that they are only three!!! I try to be kind and firm...but my problem, I am very embarrassed to say, is that...days like today...I finally just have had it!

My son is very mild mannered~~~for the most part! But when he gets in one of his "moods"~~~well, let's say, I do not have the patience of a saint~~although I wish I did!! This morning he "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" I suppose. He so far has just been down right nasty. Telling his daddy he doesn't love him~~to which daddy's response was that's ok~~I still love you. My response was...Connor, how would you feel if daddy told you he doesn't love you? Connor responded, "Not good." But he still insisted he didn't love daddy. This upsets me because I truly don't understand where he gets this type of talk. We DO NOT talk like that to one another (my husband and I) and we have NEVER told the twins anything even close to that to make him want to say such things. Then he and his sister were playing on the computer when he just out of nowhere pulled her hair. My husband and I were in the next room...still in view of them...and she really did not do a thing to him...we removed him kicking and screaming and asked him how he would have felt if Zoe would have pulled his hair. I sat on the couch with him and asked him to please calm down so we could talk. He did. I asked him why he felt he should pull her hair... "Because I wanted to," he said. Again, I reinforced that I didn't think that was nice and I wanted him to say he was sorry ~~which he did with no problem. THEN, he was playing with a small truck of his...he came over to me, ran the truck over my back and asked if that felt good...in all honesty it did..(like a mini massage!) so I told him yes it did. Then he proceeded to get more aggressive, as if he wanted it NOT to feel good...and finally actually grabbed my arm. It did not hurt, but he meant it to. I picked him up and told him I loved him big and I did not want him to try to hurt anyone. THEN came the last straw...he (about 10 minutes later and after he "seemed" to understand and be fine), he took the same small truck and threw it at his toy box. I asked him to come join me trying to distract him...he picked the toy up and threw it yet another time. I picked him up and said come on and play with mommy~~"You don't want to throw the truck, you may break it." He pushed me away and threw it once again....and went into the next room, in which case I followed. This time I KNOW I should have given myself a time out!! I am ashamed to say that this time I did smack his bottom. I was trying everything!! I told him that that was it!I tried all morning to have more patience! He sat on the couch and in a few minutes I went to him and I did tell him (not that it makes it all right) that I was wrong for smacking his butt. That it is not nice to hit, and mommy was VERY sorry~~~BUT...I just didn't know what else to do for him. I then asked him why he thought mommy got angry and he told me!!! He told me that he was throwing the truck and wouldn't stop and that he was not talking nicely to daddy and he pulled Zoe's hair. I asked him why he thought he did these things and he said, "I don't know." I feel like a heel! He is now playing like an angel. He hasn't had an outburst~~hahaha~~although his sister is starting now!

I am sorry that this got so long!!! I do apologize~~I just thought that the more info you had the better it would me!

One more question! Do you ever have any of the parenting workshops anywhere near Pennsylvania?? My husband and I would love to attend one!! The twins were so well behaved! Who ever said that two's were terrible?? That was a breeze compared to the last few weeks here!

Thanks for listening!and again...Sorry this was so long!

Sincerely,

Vicki

First let me tell you that I could empathize. I'm sure I would have reacted just the way you did if I was in the middle of it. It is obvious to me that you are a very good parent--and want to be even better. Since I was not "hooked" in the middle of it, I can give you some observations.

One reason children soon stop being in touch with their feelings is that adults don't allow them to have them. We tell them they shouldn't feel the way they do, or lecture to them about how bad their feelings are. Feelings are never bad, and they don't always make sense. What we DO, on the other hand, is another matter. ("I understand that you are angry at your brother right now, AND you can't hit him. Why don't you go hit the bop bag to express your feelings?") Your husband was right on to acknowledge his feelings and then share his own, "That's ok~~I still love you." You wanted to make him feel guilty for his feelings. (By the way, I don't believe your son really feels that way. He is looking for a reaction--which he gets from you--as my kids did from me.)

Any time you tell a child to apologize, even though he/she does it, I don't believe it is ever sincere. This is how I see the scene:

Your son gets up on the wrong side of the bed. You feel yourself getting hooked. You pick him up and go lie down with him and say, "Let's stay here and snuggle until we feel ready to get up on the right side of the bed." (He won't know what you mean, but you will; and he will get the idea.) Then instead of "telling" him what he did wrong (lecturing), you ask questions that help him figure it out for himself. (You do this without an accusing tone of voice.) "What happened when you pulled your sister's hair? What do you think would make her feel better? What would make you feel better if someone pulled your hair? What would you like to do to help her feel better?" If he comes up with the idea, it will be sincere.

Another possibility is for you to leave the room when you feel yourself getting hooked and let your husband deal with it. You could do the same for him if he ever gets hooked. This works when there is prior agreement so it feels supportive rather than abandoning.

Regarding a workshop in Pennsylvania, we have just developed a Friday evening and all-day Saturday workshop called "Tools for Strengthening Your Family." If you could find 30 people who would like to take this workshop for $150 per person, I or one of my Positive Discipline Associates would be happy to come to Pennsylvania. It is a fun workshop filled with experiential activities. People go away with a much better understanding of the belief behind the behavior (which is missing in the scenes you describe) and many practical non-punitive tools for helping children learn life skills and for parents to increase their joy in parenting.

My best to you,

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