Dear Jane,

My middle son is 3 years and 2 months. He is almost completely toilet trained during the day. The problem is that he wets almost every night. That normally wouldn't concern me. I'm well read in children's development and know that this is normal. Here's the problem. Dylan refuses to wear anything but regular"big boy" underwear to bed. We laugh at how we use positive discipline in all other areas of our children's lives but fall right into the trap often trying to talk him into it, then trying to force him (a complete disaster). Dylan ends up in tears and my husband I are not going to wash sheets every day. Our latest trick is to put a PullUp over his pj bottoms once he's asleep, but this is not really the best message for Dylan, nor do I want to be responsible for remembering to sneak up once he's asleep every single day. I think he's too young to use the consequence of changing his own sheets...

HELP! Christine

I'm encouraging people to stop using consequences except to help children understand that their choices lead to consequences--good and bad. When the consequences are bad, children should not be punished. (Too many parents are trying to disguise punishment by calling it consequences.) It is more helpful to help children understand the consequences of their choices: what happened, what caused it to happen, how they feel about it, what they learned from it, and what they can now do to keep it from happening again or to solve the problem. In other words, you could say, "Dylan is to young too experience the 'solution' of changing his sheets."

He may be too young to change the sheets, but he is not too young to help you or your husband wash the sheets every day. Let him help you strip the bed, load the washer, pour in the soap, and push the buttons to start the machine. Also be sure he helps you put the sheets in the dryer and remake the bed. This would take an attitude change on your part. You could look at it as a fun way to spend time with your son, and an opportunity to teach him important life skills, including taking responsibility for the consequences of his choices in a respectful manner.

Another possibility is to change your attitude about putting Pullups over his pj bottoms. What does Dylan say when he wakes up and find that you have done this? This may not be a bad solution if he does not object. You are concerned about the message that gives him, but I don't think it is necessarily a bad message. A good parenting tool is to "decide what you will do" instead of trying to make your child do something. Of course, this is effective only if it is respectful. If your son doesn't object, then it is respectful. As soon as he objects, you could work out another solution. Give him a hug, and ask him for his ideas--as soon as he is old enough.

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