My foster son is a CHRONIC liar

My foster son is a CHRONIC liar, or should I say, he "cons" most people into believing what he thinks they want to hear. His inability to relate to his own feelings makes it hard for him to understand how others feel when he cons or lies. He explains that his decision to lie or not is dependent on whether he will get "caught" or not.

Have you read my answer regarding lying on our homepage: www.empoweringpeople.com ? Even though that answer deals with a 3-year-old, the principles are the same for children of any age.

Generally speaking, I know that foster children are often coming from the mistaken goal of revenge. (Mistaken Goals are described in detail in all of our books.) Children choose this goal (at a subconscious level) when they feel hurt. Foster children feel hurt about being abandoned by their families--and they usually take it out on anyone who comes into their lives. They also develop defensive behaviors to protect themselves from being hurt any more. Lying is a defensive behavior. Punishment in any form (physical or verbal) only increases their defensive and revengeful behavior.

What your foster son needs is "perception modification," not "behavior modification." Perception modification comes from encouragement. (All of our books teach encouragement skills.) Children are always making decisions about what they need to DO in life to THRIVE or to SURVIVE. Positive Discipline books teach parents how to use methods that invite children to make decisions about thriving (becoming capable, self-reliant, learning problem-solving skills, respect for self and others, etc.) instead of decisions about surviving (usually called misbehavior.)

I suggest you learn how to "get into his world" to understand his perceptions, and that you learn positive parenting skills so you know how to help him change his behavior(and perceptions) in a safe environment.

My best to you -- and to your foster son,

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