Our 8-year-old daughter treats her friends horribly!

Jane,

Please help us. Our 8-year-old daughter treats her friends horribly! She bosses, shouts, pouts, and gets mad at them to have things her way. One friend has stopped calling and we explained why.Her response was "it's only one friend." I was astounded! My husband and I are deeply saddened by this and also embarrassed because of our friendship with the parents of the kids she is so rude towards. When discussing this, she is not pleased with her behavior but says she can't change it.Self control has always been lacking when she is with other children. She is very dominating and likes playing with younger kids, although at school does stick with other eight -year- olds. She has one friend she met in kindergarten and is very possessive of this friend, who allows herself to be bossed by our child. We have tried to explain the benefits of having more than one friend, and feel she gets overly nasty in an effort to keep this friend from becoming friends with someone else.

Our child deals very well with adults and treats grandparents, etc., with respect. Is there any otherway to teach her to respect her friends apart from letting time take it's course and she ending up friendless? She has always had this strong personality but NO tactfulness. Thank you so much for your attention to this.

Dear Addie,

You obviously know the answer to your own question--as indicated in your last paragraph. I know it is difficult to stand by and watch your child make mistakes that you know can be very hurtful to herself and others. However, mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.We keep children from learning from their mistakes when we show disapproval through lectures or punishment. They do learn (perhaps not as soon as we would like) when we allow them to experiences the consequences of their choices with dignity and respect.

Let me tell you what dignity and respect would look like on your part. It would mean to stop labeling her, stop trying to rescue her, and stop trying to change her. It means reflective listening instead of lectures. Reflective listening means to validate her feelings if she shares them without adding lectures or trying to solve the problem for her.

It means helping her think through the consequences by asking what and how questions in a tone of voice that is totally nonjudgmental and with an attitude of curiosity about her thinking. "What happened? What do you think caused that to happen? How do you feel about it?What did you learn from this experience? What ideas do you have to get a different result in the future? What ideas do you have to solve this problem?" If she doesn't have any answers, ask her to think about it because you have faith in her ability to figure things out.

Children seem to learn much more quickly and from an internal locus of control when they experience this kind of support from adults.

For other ideas, you might enjoy the book "Positive Discipline A-Z," where we cover over 100 subjects, including friends.