Q.My daughter is very overweight for her 8 years. We want to help her cut down on her eating habits and increase her activity level without having to be harsh toward her feelings. What to do?

A.It is possible that your daughter will be motivated to watch her weight only when she feels loved unconditionally.When she feels unloved, she is more likely to stuff herself with food.Let her know that you love her no matter what, and that you will support her in whatever she decides to do. Then you could ask her if she would like to explore possibilities with you. Help her think through the consequences of her actions by asking what and how questions with a sincere curiosity about her point of view.“How do you feel about being overweight?What do your friends think about it?How do you feel when they tease you?What would you like to accomplish?What steps do you need to take to accomplish your goals?How can I help?” If you can’t win her cooperation, stay out of it completely.Otherwise you will end up in power struggles and revenge cycles.You can’t make her quit eating, and you can’t make her exercise.She may feel hurt if she believes you love her conditionally and hurt you back (and herself in the process) by defeating your efforts. It is very difficult for parents to convey unconditional love when they want their children to change “for their own good.”You may want to consider getting her into a support program for children (if she wants to).It may be easier for her to receive information and suggestions from other people than from you.

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