Q.Bed time at our house has become an absolute nightmare!My 6-year-old daughter will not go to sleep unless I stay in the room.I have tried to wean her off this dependency by leaving the room for short periods of time, but this causes her to deliberately try to stay awake waiting for me to return.What's worse, now my 3-year-old son is starting to mimic this behavior.If she wakes up and finds me gone, she gets out of bed, comes downstairs and refuses to go back to sleep unless I stay in the room again. Some nights I spend over an hour putting them to sleep, after which, I am exhausted! I realize that I have started some very bad habits, but am at a loss as to how to go about breaking them.I told my daughter that she can sleep over at a friend's house or have a friend sleep over our house once she no longer needs me in her room.At first, she seemed receptive and wanted to "practice," but then lost interest.She also wakes up in the middle of the night and comes into our bed.

Help.

A.I had the same problem with my first five children because I allowed frustrating bedtime habits to develop.Fortunately, I learned about positive discipline methods before my last two children were born, so they experienced a consistent bedtime routine from the beginning.Meanwhile, I followed the suggestions I will give you to help myself and my other children form some new bedtime habits.

Sit down with your children and admit your mistake.Tell them that you have allowed them to form some bedtime habits that aren't good for them or for you.This is a good time to start teaching them that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, so now you can learn together how to solve the problem.Get your children involved in helping you create a bedtime routine: toy pick-up time, bath, pajamas, healthy snack, teeth brushing, choosing clothes for the next day, bedtime story, tuck-in-time where you ask each child to share a saddest time and a happiest time of the day.Let them help you make a chart with pictures for each task.When it is bedtime, let them check the routine chart to see what is next.This way the chart becomes the boss, instead of you, and they are more motivated to follow a routine when they help create it.Also, this routine includes plenty of quality time so they don't feel shoved off to bed.

You may need to say the same thing over and over, every time you take her back to bed.You might even ask your daughter what words she would like you to use that would help her the most.The more you can get children involved in the plan, the more motivation they have to cooperate. She may not be ready for this, and may want to argue for you to stay with her.If this happens, say, "I can see you aren't ready for that yet.I'll check with you later to see if you are ready." In your attempt to wean your daughter, she has learned manipulation skills. You probably have a sensitive guilt button that she pushes regularly.Have faith in yourself that changing this habit is ultimately good for your children as well as for you.They need to learn self-reliance instead of manipulation.

I'm not saying it will be easy, but if you are consistent, it won't take long for your children to know you mean what you say. Our three- year -old had the habit of continually coming out of her room at bedtime.I walked her back, kicking and screaming, for an hour the first night till she fell asleep exhausted in her doorway.The second night she cried for a half hour.The third, fourth and fifth nights , this routine lasted ten minutes.After that, bedtime became a fun time for all of us with a pleasant routine filled with hugs, tickles, stories and cooperation.