Q.In yourPositive Discipline Guidelines, number 10 states that "it does not `work' to deal with a problem at the time of conflict, emotions get in the way".I am a child development major in college and all the texts and experiences that I have had say that if you don't deal with a problem immediately, the child will not understand what he/she did wrong.Doesn't not dealing with the problem imply that their actions were okay and reinforce the behavior?

A.Your question helped me realize that clarification is needed for guideline No. 10.What isn't effective at the time of conflict is the "reason" part of dealing with it.Also, there is a difference between dealing with a problem and dealing with the conflict (emotional) part of the problem.There are many things that can to be done at the time of the problem.One is to "shut your mouth and act."This means that if a child is about to hurt herself or someone else, you quickly intervene.The action lets the child know this behavior is not acceptable. However, since both parent and child might be upset, words of reason are not effective. We need to have more faith in children to figure out the meaning of our actions. For example, when my children were very young, they would touch the knobs on our big TV console.I would quickly pick them up and put them in the playpen.They would cry for a few minutes and I would take them out and give them a toy to play with.Soon they would gravitate to the TV knobs again.I would quickly repeat my action of putting them in the playpen for a few minutes.It did not take long for my pre-verbal children to figure it out if they didn't want to be in the playpen, they needed to stay away from the TV knobs.

Sometimes words are helpful when following these guidelines:

1. When possible use only one word.Suppose a child is avoiding a task that needs to be done, such as getting dressed or picking up her toys.A parent can simply repeat the word, "toys," or "clothes" until the child understands that options are not acceptable. The conflict is that the child doesn't feel like picking up toys, but it needs to be done.Lectures are useless, and punishment only increases the power struggle.(Of course, there are many other ways to encourage a child to pick up toys.This is just one possibility to make the point of your question.)
2. Ask short questions."What do you need to do before we leave?""What is next on our routine chart?"This often invites the child to cooperate because you are inviting her to think about what needs to be done, not what you are trying to make her do.This is especially effective when the child has been involved in helping to create a routine. The routine chart then becomes "the boss."
3. Briefly tell a child what needs to be done, not what should not be done."Walk when you are in the house.Running is for outside," instead of, "Stop running in the house.
4. Give short choices, "Would you like to eat first or get dressed first?"
5. Preface a request with the statement, "I need you help." A sincere request for help is very inviting to a child who is used to hearing commands. Commands encourage power struggles. A request for help encourages cooperation.

You will notice that most of these suggestions are for young children who do need something immediate when behavior is a problem.Since you are a child development major, I think you will understand how important it is to deal with problems using both kindness and firmness.Children between the ages of 1 and 2 are in the Erik Erickson stage of developing autonomy vs. doubt and shame.(See chapter 4 of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers.) Kindness shows respect for the child and firmness lets the child know about limits that fit the needs of the situation.Using any form of punishment to deal with the behavior would encourage the development of doubt and shame instead of a sense of healthy autonomy.

Older children remember what they have done wrong, and are much more open to learning from their mistakes--if you wait until there has been time for cooling off before discussing the problem. However, even with older children there are things you can do immediately.One possibility is to honestly share your feelings, "I'm very upset now.I need time to calm down before I can discuss this."Another possibility is to ask, "Would you like to put this problem on the family meeting agenda, or should I?" Another concept that is very important to establish no matter when you deal with a problem is to teach your children that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.Punishment is designed to make children "pay" for their mistakes.

All of our books are full of methods and suggestions that help children "learn" from their mistakes so they can do better in the future. Remember to look for solutions instead of blame.It is best when parents and children brainstorm on solutions together.Kids have ownership when they are involved in the solutions. Finally, it is important to make sure the message of love gets through. Too often parents start with blaming and shaming instead of saying, "I love you, and I'm concerned about this behavior.Can we talk about it and find a solution that works for both of us."