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My four-year-old son has an imaginary
mother (named "Joe Mom"?) who seems to be the opposite
of me (the real mom). For example, I do not allow him to watch
the power ranger program. Some of his friends at school know all
about the power rangers and have shared the basics...kicking,
etc. Every once in a while he will tell me that "Joe Mom"
lets him watch the power rangers. Other "Joe Mom" topics
range from "JM" taking my son to the zoo to "JM"
saying he does not have to clean up his room. What does this mean?
I have heard of imaginary friends but not an imaginary mom! I
can sometimes gauge how I am doing with him emotionally. When
my son and I have grumpy times he says "JM" is very
nice; when my son and I have great days, he sometimes says he
is grumpy or even angry with "JM" that day. I look forward
to receiving your thoughts! Thanks so much for the opportunity
to ask an expert!
Sincerely,
Chris (aka the real mom!)
Dear Chris,
First, my congratulations for not allowing your son to watch the
power ranger program. Secondly, enjoy the unique creativity of
your son. I love it that he has found a way to express his thoughts
and feelings without attacking you directly. I'm glad you
are wise enough to know that it is a gauge of how you are doing
with him emotionally. I do have a few suggestions. Don't
let his anger at Joe Mom become emotional blackmail for you to
regain his favor. (It doesn't sound like you do.) It is normal
for him to feel angry or disappointed when he can't do something
he wants to do. Have faith in him that he can handle his disappointment
and anger and get over it. Your son is now old enough for family
meetings. I suggest you have them weekly. (The book Positive
Discipline has an
excellent chapter on family meetings.) This will give
your son another way to express his feelings, thoughts,
and ideas. You might take some hints from his
interaction with Joe Mom as to subjects for the agenda.
When he talks to Joe Mom about going to the zoo, ask him
if he would like you to put the zoo on the family
meeting agenda (usually on the refrigerator) for
discussion at the next family meeting. Put room cleaning
on the agenda and get him involved in creating a routine
or plan for getting his room cleaned. This way you will
help your son learn problem-solving skills—and he will
be more motivated to follow a plan he helps create. An
important part of family meetings is to give
compliments. Your son can learn to tell you directly
when you do something he appreciates. He can also learn
to share his emotions and discuss things he doesn't like
when you create a family meeting atmosphere where
everyone treats each other with dignity and respect, and
where the focus is not on blame, but on solutions.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful situation with me.
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