Q.My 23 month old daughter is very bright for her age. She has a large vocabulary, over 300 words and can even make full sentences that make sense, i.e. "boo-boo Mommy kiss it."She cannot, however, verbalize her feelings to me without going into a full blown temper tantrum.Whenever she doesn't get her way the end result is a temper tantrum.I find it very hard to reason with her and some times I lose it myself and begin yelling at her, which, I know, resolves nothing.I want to learn more effective ways of communicating with her.When I see her getting into "trouble" what can I do to lessen the outcome of a temper tantrum?And, at what age do children usually outgrow these unpleasant displays of behavior?

A.I love this question.You wonder at what age children outgrow unpleasant displays of behavior, when in the previous paragraph you describe your own temper tantrum.I don't mean this as a criticism, but as an observation.I have done the same thing myself. It is difficult for most people (children and adults alike) to verbalize feelings when they are upset.Many can't verbalize their feelings at any time.

Even though your daughter is bright, expecting her to be able to verbalize her feelings is unrealistic. Intelligence and emotional maturity are two different things.We often expect intelligent children to have more emotional maturity than is appropriate for their age. Children often have temper tantrums because they have not learned more appropriate ways to express their needs and wants, and because developmentally they have not learned delayed gratification.This does not mean we should be permissive until they learn these skills, but it does explain why we should be both kind and firm in our actions.Kindness shows respect for the child.Firmness shows respect for the needs of the situation and for parents and the child.

Spanking and punitive time out are not kind. We have many suggestions for what to do about tantrums in our book "Positive Discipline A-Z."I will share many of these ideas with you now.

There are several things you can do when a child has a temper tantrum, but first you need to respect her right to be frustrated.This does not mean she should get her way.It does mean she has a right to express her feelings in the only way she knows how.If you model controlling your own behavior, some day she may learn from your example.Control your behavior by not getting hooked.Don't try to change what she is doing; instead decide what you will do.You may decide to wait patiently for her to finish.(This is effective only if you do it every time.It is not effective to ignore one time and spank another time.) If you can't keep from showing your displeasure, remove yourself from the scene quickly and quietly.If you're in a public place, go as far from your child as possible while keeping her in sight. At home you may decide to leave the room.You may decide to hold her until she is through and not say word.Once the tantrum is over, say nothing about it.If your child is using a tantrum for emotional blackmail, she will soon give up if you don't buy into it. Don't try to reason with her during a temper tantrum.As you have learned, this is pointless. You can never teach a child anything at the time of upset.You may try to reason with her and teach her after she feels better.A good way to do this is through the use of what and how questions. "What happened?What do you think caused that to happen?How do you feel about that?You are such a good problem-solver, what ideas do you have to solve this problem?What words could you use next time this happens?"

You could also try reflective listening to help her sort through her feelings and to feel validation for them.Again, you may need to start with some questions, "How did you feel when you couldn't have that toy?"If she can't verbalize her feelings, help her by guessing, "I'll bet you felt angry when you couldn't have that toy."If you guessed right, she will feel validated and will agree.Remember, you don't need to fix the problem by giving her the toy.You could share with her that you also feel angry sometimes when you don't get what you want.Say, "It's OK to be upset.It happens to all of us.I'm here and I love you."

Pay attention to ways you may be setting your child up to have a tantrum. Most kids don't start off with a tantrum.You may be arguing, demanding, controlling, and fighting with them until they throw a tantrum in exasperation.If you haven't set your child up, accept that it is frustrating for her not to get her own way.You don't have to do anything about this.Just accept that it is normal and have faith in her to calm down eventually. During a calm time, ask your child what she would like from you when she is having a tantrum. Give choices like, "Would you like a hug or would you like me to quietly wait until you're through?" In closing, I suggest you read"I Need A Hug"under the articles section on our home page.Remember, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child.This article captures the essence of helping a child change his behavior through encouragement.

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