Make a difference at bedtime

Q. My question is my about my daughter going to bed at night. She is 2-years- old. I have two concerns.The first being that my daughter refuses to go to sleep at night. It has gotten to the point that I don't look forward to putting her to sleep. I read her a story, and kiss her, tuck her in,and then once I leave her room, she gets out of bed, and cries, and destroys her room. I have tried different things with her: an early bed time, going in her room every 5-10 minutes, not going back at all. It seems like no matter what I try she doesn't fall asleep until 9:30-10:00 pm. This would be fine, if she wasn't crabby the next day.My next concern is that every night she comes into bed with me, and every night I put her back to her room.How do you think I can handle this? I' m getting very tired.

Anna Milne

A.In many ways, you have the right idea.Three things might make a difference:

1. Choose only one routine and stick to it consistently.
2. Maintain a kind and firm attitude while following the routine.
3. Use follow-through to correct problems.

When parents are consistent, kind, and firm, and use follow-through in a friendly manner, it usually takes children three to five days to understand that manipulation and power struggles aren't effective. (The first time I tried this during nap time, I kindly and firmly put my two-year-old daughter back in her crib for her nap seventeen times.I didn't believe it was working. However, the next day she stayed in her crib after I put her back only three times.) When parents punish, scold, and engage in power struggles, many children can't resist trying to"win."Of course, everyone loses.

Many parents think it is permissive to stop scolding and use punishment to let their children know they "can't get away with their behavior."Or, they don't want to spend the time it takes to be consistently kind and firm for three to five days.They don't stop to think that they are spending more than three to five days engaging in power struggles.

You are on the right track to keep putting her back in her own bed every time she gets up and crawls into bed with you.Just make sure you are kind and firm (which usually means keeping your mouth shut) while you do this. This is a case where action is much more powerful than words.In fact words weaken the effectiveness unless they are encouraging words such as, "It is bedtime now.I look forward to seeing you in the morning."We let our children know they couldn't stay in our bed during the night, but could come snuggle for a few minutes after the alarm went off.

Of course, I don't know all the details of what is happening in your home. If these suggestions aren't effective, I suggest two books that have many more ideas: "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" and "Positive Discipline A-Z." In the preschool book (which actually covers birth through six) there is a chapter on "You Can't Make 'Em Do It" that covers sleeping, eating, and toileting. Since you can't make them, you need to find ways to invite their cooperation. The preschool book also has wonderful chapters on understanding how to help your child develop autonomy vs. doubt and shame, how to deal with different temperaments, the importance of the development of a sense of initiative vs. guilt during her preschool years, and much, much more. The A-Z book is a great resource because you can look up just about every behavior you can think of and get several suggestions about what to do immediately, and suggestions for preventing the problem in the future.I wish I had had these books when my children were young.

Best wishes,

Jane Nelsen