My daughter is 8- months- old and has started walking. My problem is two- fold. First she does not like to be carried anywhere. Second, my husband does not seem to understand the concept of babyproofing. I currently stay at home with her, but I find that most of my day involves taking things away that Daddy left where she could find it. My question is, is there any way that I could discipline her so she would learn not to say tear books apart? She's very advanced and while I'm proud of her, it poses a great deal of problems. Thank you for your attention to this.

Dear Yvonne,

I think it's wonderful that your daughter does not like to be carried. In most cases it is disrespectful to carry children when they can walk by themselves. Oh, I know there are times when there just isn't time to allow them to walk by themselves, but think about the long-range results. Already your daughter is developing a strong sense of autonomy and confidence. When parents carry their children just because it's convenient, they rob them of opportunities to strengthen their sense of capability. It doesn't take children long to start believing it's more important to get other people to do things for them. Then they use all their intelligence to manipulate their way out of self-reliance and into dependency. I wish parents would just slowdown and enjoy the wonder of their growing children.

You may enjoying reading several chapters in "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers," which actually covers birth through preschool age. One chapter covers the subject of  Trust vs. Mistrust. It sounds like your daughter already has a strong sense of trust in herself and her world. I'm sure you want to keep nurturing that.

Another chapter covers the development of  Autonomy vs. Doubt and Shame. This chapter might help your husband see the benefits of child proofing. When toddlers are encouraged tosafely explore their environment and do things for themselves, they develop a strong sense of autonomy. When they experience shame and punishment, they develop a sense of shame. Too often parents punish their children for doing things that are developmentally appropriate such as  touching anything that comes into their reach (and trying to reach everything they can see), and tearing it, punching it, throwing it, eating it, or whatever other possibilities they think of.

Does your husband really not believe in childproofing, or does he just forget to pick things up? If he doesn't believe in childproofing, I hope he'll read the book suggested above. If he just forgets, perhaps you need to do a quick childproofing scan of the house every morning. You could also put the problem on a family meeting agenda and work with him on solutions that work for both of you.

I am not advocating permissiveness. In all our books we give many suggestions for discipline that do not include blame, shame, or pain (any kind of punishment). With toddlers the best kindof discipline is distraction. Toddlers need constant supervision. When they do something they  shouldn't, such as jumping on couches or touching something they shouldn't touch, parents can quickly lead them to something they can do. Avoid saying no as much as possible. Instead say,"Couches are for sitting. You can play in the Tupperware drawer." Since your daughter is so precocious, you will want to start giving her limited choices very soon. "Do you want to wear your blue pajamas or you yellow ones? Do you want to pick up your toys by yourself, or do you want my help?" When she finds a book that you or Dad forgot to put away, remove it quickly and ask for her help in finding a place to put it away. Then find some old magazines that she can tear and make a collage with her. Some people think this teaches children to tear books. Wanting to tear is developmentally appropriate. The idea is to teach what is appropriate to tear and what is not; but still don't expect toddlers to understand until they get older. Please read the answers on spanking and time- out for more information on the long-range results of punishment and non-punitive methods. I hope this helps.

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