Sharing your thoughts and ideas with the grandparents

Q.My husband and I are really trying to follow the techniques from Positive Parenting and Raising a Self-reliant child in a Self-indulgent World. However, when we visit the kids grandparents they sometimes make negative remarks to our daughter about something she is doing.For example,if she starts to eat with her hands they will tell her "stop it, that's not nice." Should we make an issue out of this with the grandparents or let it go since we don't make those kinds of remarks to her at home?Which is more damaging a comment like that a few times a month or the conflict between her parents and grandparents.They also make negative remarks about her security blanket (which is a slipper).They say things like "you don't need that, you're a big girl now".Our daughter is 3.

A.You could try sharing your thoughts and ideas with the grandparents. Let them know that you prefer methods that don't include blame, shame or pain.Let them know you don't believe in permissiveness either, but want to use methods that teach children important life skills.A word of caution: don't expect them to understand or accept your ideas.Present them in a respectful way and respect their right to differ.Remember, they were raised in a different time and may be set in their ways.Have compassion and then decide what you will do.Some parents have told grandparents that they don't want to subject their children to criticism and put downs, and that if they can't respect this they will not visit.

Other parents have faith that their parenting skills will out weigh the influence of grandparents.If you choose the latter, be sure to give your child a chance to express her feelings if you think she is being affected.

Use this as an opportunity to teach her that people are different and have different ideas about how things should be done.Use issues brought up by the grandparents as an opportunity for discussion.You could engage your daughter in a dialogue about when it is appropriate to eat with her hands and when it is not and invite her to work on solutions.Regarding the security blanket, let her know that you have faith in her to keep it for as long as she needs to, and that she will give it up when she is ready.

It may help to know that this is not a unique problem.It happens in most families.In many cases it is grandparents who have learned more empowering methods and cringe as they watch their children punish their grandchildren.

Keep up the good work, and be grateful that your children have parents who pursued education on more effective parenting.

Jane Nelsen