4 year old son who loves to touch people
Q.I have a 4- year -old son who loves to touch people.He always has his hands on other kids whether he's poking, rubbing against them, tapping his leg against them in circle time, etc.He doesn't hurt them, but he seems to need to have physical contact with them.He is a high-energy kid, but is bright and understands consequences.Any suggestions on how he can enjoy being in a group without making the other kids uncomfortable?
A.There are several paths I want to take on this question.First, I want to ask a question. Does his physical contact make the kids in the group uncomfortable, or does it just make the adults uncomfortable?If it doesn't bother the kids, ignore it.When it does bother them, they will let him know and he may change his behavior.
If it does bother the kids and he isn't changing his behavior, it could be that the kids like to say they are bothered because that is a good way to get adults to give them attention and rescue them.
If you do decide to get involved try one of the following suggestions:
- When other kids complain, ask, "What ideas do you have about how to solve this problem?"If they don't have any ideas, keep asking questions that help them develop their problem-solving skills: What do you think would happen if you asked him to stop?What do you think would happen if you used words to tell him you don't like it?What do you think would happen if you got up and moved to another part of the circle?
- If you know it bothers the
kids you might adapt the above suggestion and invite
him to think of ideas to solve the problem.If he can't
think of ideas, suggest a few such as carrying a teddy
bear to cuddle and keep his hands busy, or asking the
person next to him if he is bothering him.
I hope you will read Positive Discipline for Preschoolers for more information on the importance of asking what and how questions instead giving lectures, and to understand about the four mistaken goals of behavior and how to encourage change.
I also wonder what you mean by consequences.Many parents to not understand how to use consequences appropriately and instead try to disguise punishment by calling it a consequence.Our books are full on non-punitive methods that help children develop important life skills.Four-year-olds can be wonderful problem-solvers if we take the time to train them and then have faith in their wonderful abilities.
Jane Nelsen
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