My child is sweet child as long as he is getting his way.
Q.My child is two and is a sweet child as long as he is getting his way.When something doesn't please him, he starts screaming and sometimes will scream for hours if he doesn't get his way.We have tried spanking, ignoring him (thinking he is just wanting attention) and sending him to his room. At this point nothing seems to work.I don't want him to grow up thinking that he can throw a tantrum and get his way. Any suggestions?
A.I have several suggestions.In addition, I hope you will read" Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" to find out why spanking is never effective for positive long-range results with children, to learn more about temperaments that children are born with,and how to be encouraging instead of discouraging within that framework, and to learn more about how to use positive time- out that is empowering instead of punitive.This book also includes information about the emotional development of children according to Eric Erickson, and how parents can foster "trust instead of mistrust," and "autonomy instead of doubt and shame."
The first thing to consider is that children often have temper tantrums because they have not learned more appropriate ways to express their needs and wants, and because developmentally they have not learned delayed gratification.This does not mean we should be permissive until they learn these skills, but it does explain why we should be both kind and firm in our actions.Kindness shows respect for the child.Firmness shows respect for the needs of the situation and for parents and thechild.Spanking and punitive time-out are not kind.The following suggestions are taken from our book" Positive Discipline A-Z."
SUGGESTIONS:
- One of the best ways to deal with a temper tantrum is to ignore it.Stand quietly by and wait until it's over.(This is effective only if you do it every time.It is not effective to ignore one time and spank another time.)
- If you can't keep from showing your displeasure, remove yourself from the scene quickly and quietly.If you're in a public place, go as far from the child as possible while keeping him or her in sight.
- Once the tantrum is over, say nothing about it.If your child is using a tantrum for emotional blackmail, he will soon give up if you don't buy into it.
- With some children, it helps
to hold them and comfort them when they have a
tantrum.Say, "It's OK to be upset.It happens to all of
us.I'm here and I love you."Don't try to fix the
situation for the child.
PLANNING AHEAD TO PREVENT FUTURE PROBLEMS:
- Ask the children at a later time if they would like some alternatives when they feel frustrated. Teach them to tell you in words how they feel instead of using a display of feelings.
- Pay attention to ways you may be setting your child up to have a tantrum.Most kids don't start off with a tantrum.You may be arguing, demanding, controlling, and fighting with them until they throw a tantrum in exasperation.
- Ask your children what they
would like from you when they are having a tantrum.Do
this at a time when they are not having a tantrum.Give
choices like, "Would you like a hug or would you like
me to wait until you're ready to continue?"
In closing, I suggest you read "I Need A Hug" under the articles on our home page. Remember, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child.This article captures the essence of helping a child change his behavior through encouragement.
Jane Nelsen,
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