My teenager wants to join a gang.

Hello Jane,

I was wandering if you have any advice for a parent of a 14- year -old boy that thinks being in a gang is the neatest thing going.He is failing every subject in school , has a probation officer, and is on the verge of going to the Wyoming Boys School for failure to comply with the conditions of his probation. My son wants to dress like a Mexican gang member with the sagging pants, the over- sized slacks, etc. I will not allow him to dress any way he wants, we go around most every day about this and I can see no solution in sight.I have tried grounding, rewards, spending more time with him,we talk about everything under the sun with one another.Still, when I'm not there it just seems like he's another person.He's a good kid, but he's headed down the wrong road, is there anything you might suggest to help me keep my son out of the boys school?

Sincerely,

Jake

There are not any magic pills for this -- no overnight quick fixes.However, encouragement for long-range results are possible.I know, because I had a similar situation with one of my sons.Thebook, "Positive Discipline for Teenagers," was written with my friend, Lynn Lott, who helped me stop doing the things that don't work and start doing the things that do work.(My son just graduated as a Chemical Engineer, even though he did go through a drug treatment center while a teenager.)I suggest you get the book for a more complete understanding of teenagers and how to empower your son and yourself in the process.Meanwhile I will give you a few suggestions.First you need to know that any kind of punishment (grounding) with teenagers is too late.As you are learning, it may seem to work for the moment, but it does not bring about lasting change.If anything, it just encourages more rebellion and sneakiness.Rewards are also ineffective.I won't take the time now to say why. Just look at your results.There are three things you are already doing that are more powerful than it may appear.Spending time with your son, talking with him, and having faith in him.I knew you had faith in him when you said, "He is a good kid."Hang on to that faith.Know his rebellion(individuation process) is normal.He won't be a teenager forever.(Remember some of the things you did as a teenager that don't define you as a person now.)You also need to stop trying to control what he wears.As you are seeing, control doesn't work.Kids would rebel less in more harmful areas if parents would allow them to rebel in safe areas such as the clothes they wear.I understand the fear about gang identification, but control just pushes kids further into areas where they believe they will have more control.So, what else can you do?Work for influence instead of control.Never give lectures, but do give information.A key to giving information is to say, "I have some information about this areas, would you like to hear them?"Be sure you do have information and not simple judgements and criticisms.If your son agrees to listen he will.If he doesn't say, "You probably don't want to listen because you think I'm going to give another lecture.I don't blame you.I don't want tolecture any more.Let me know when you are willing to give me another chance."

Another possibility is to ask questions instead of lectures.Of course, the key to good questions is a sincere desire to hear the answers.Questions help teenagers think things through for themselves.For example,"What is it you like about gangs?What do you think will happen to you if you are in a gang?What good consequences do you think you will experience?What bad consequences do you think are possible?How will this effect your future?"When my son wanted to drop out of school, I asked questions in this manner (friendly and really interested in his answers.)After inviting him to answer what jobs he could get without an education and what jobs he could get with an education(along with a few other questions) he came to the following conclusion: "Okay, I'll do it (go to school)but I'm not going to like it."I said, "Congratulations.You have just learned a valuable lesson, that sometimes we have to do things we don't enjoy because we can see the long-range pay off.He would never have heard me give him a lecture about the same conclusion.

Many people think all this sounds like permissiveness.It is not.It is helping parents take the paperbag off their heads and acknowledge that their controlling methods aren't working.In the" PositiveDiscipline for Teenagers," we give many other ideas about getting agreements with teenagers and using follow through that is effective.Lastly, sometimes parents have to allow kids to experience the consequences of their choices.This should be done with kindness and firmness.Firmness shows respect for the consequences of choices.Kindness shows respect for the child.At one time I said to my son,"If you go to juvenile hall, I will love you unconditionally and I will bring you cookies. However, I will not bail you out.I will have faith in you to learn from your mistakes and to know you can always use what you learn to do better in the future."With best wishes for this scary time, from one who has been there.

Jane Nelsen