Mean Behavior

Dear Jane,

I have a 3 + little girl who of course has a mind of her own. She is very selective of how she will behave where and when; she is also selective of who she wants to be friends with and who she will not be. I have been trying to teach her about how she makes other kids feel by being so mean to them, but it has not helped. For example, when she goes to the day care, her friend, James, is always waiting for her and is ready to play. She ignores him until I leave, at that moment she is laughing and having a wonderful time with him. I really do not understand why she feels that she must treat her dear friend this way when I am around. I try very hard to teach her the importance of  being polite and treating others the way she would like to be treated. It seems as though she has a very strong personality and is a dependant child not needing the approval of her friends. There is a little girl in the neighborhood whom she has gotten together with 3 or 4 times to play. Before they get together, my child will talk about how she is going to go play with "Alex" and she wants to have a good time, she will go on and on. Once the two are together, my child will have nothing to do with her. I find my self embarrassed and wondering where I went wrong and why she will not go off and play. Halloween night, we saw Alex and her mother out on the street,Taylor yelled "Alex" and got all excited but when we caught up with them, Taylor clung to me and would not trick or treat with the group. Why would she get all excited at a distance but once in close proximity she turns. Is this normal behavior or is my child trying to tell me something? She gets a good amount of attention at home, some times I feel that I give her too much attention(she has a younger sister and we are very conscious of giving Taylor an extra helping of attention)and maybe that is why she acts the way she does when I am around. I am told by teachers and other parents that she does not act that way when she is by herself. She is a very well behaved child when I am not with her. I am confused on what discipline techniques to use with these incidents, should I ignore her behavior or enforce a discipline tactic? Another note,she gets along very well with kids who are older and of the opposite gender. Can you offer some advise?

Thanks.

 Debbie Hahn

A. In many ways you have answered your own question.Let me amplify. It is not that you are giving your child too much attention, but the wrong kind. You are overly concerned with her friendship issues.It is fine that you have taught her about what hurts people's feelings, but then you should allow her to work things out herself. She is getting too much attention from your over concern. Young children often hate each other one minute and love each other the next. Her behavior does not mean you are a failure. Give her time to develop better friendship skills on her own. She will do much better (in time) when her behavior does not receive so much payoff from you. You might enjoy our book" Positive Discipline for Preschoolers," and "PositiveDiscipline A-Z," where we discuss developmental issues, sibling rivalry, and other factors that maybe contributing to your concern. Meanwhile,remember that how she acts now doesn't mean this is who she is forever.Don't take this so seriously and you will both be fine.

Jane Nelsen

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