I am the mother of three teenagers. I had them all very close one each year for three years. My eldest, a son, has exhibited for some time now a tremendous temper. At times he will physically abuse items in his room: doors, etc.

I am concerned that we have not helped him find ways to handle his anger. Soon he will be leaving our home for college, and then out into the world. He is a terrific kid with many talents. This issue of anger negates his fine qualities. Can you offer us some advice?

Thank you.

Josephine

Many children have not learned how to handle anger because many parents don't allow them to be angry when they are young. For example, what do we say when a young child says, "I hate my brother"? Usually a parent responds by saying, "No, you don't. You love your brother." Or, "I can't allow you to say things like that. Go to your room."

We need to teach our children that their feelings are never right or wrong they are just feelings.On the other hand, what they DO is another matter. In other words, when a child says, "I hate my brother," it would be more effective to say, "I understand how angry you are right now and I can't let you hit your little brother. Why don't you go hit the bop bag' for a while (or do something else to express your anger, such as put the problem on the family meeting agenda, or take some quiet time out for a cooling-off period) and later we can work together to figure out what you can DOthat might help solve the problem you are having with your brother."

Have regular family meetings so children can have a chance to express their feelings and then to work on solutions to problems. This will teach valuable life skills that will help them in all phases of their lives.

I would need more information to know if other factors are contributing to his anger such a sibling rivalry. Is one of his younger siblings excelling in some area? Is he a perfectionist (many older children are) who is frustrated because he is not living up to his own expectations?

There are many other possibilities. We have many other suggestions under the subject of"Anger" in our book, "Positive Discipline A-Z". We also discuss many teen issues in our book," Positive Discipline for Teenagers."

I have one more suggestion for you. You might like to change your belief that "his anger negates his fine qualities," and instead focus on positives and believe that his fine qualities negate his anger.What we focus on expands. Focus on his fine qualities, verbalize your appreciation for them, and verbalize your faith in him that he can find ways (with your help, if he would like it) to solve the problems that provoke his anger.

I also encourage you to keep looking for solutions to your anger at his anger.

With encouragement,