I have a two and a half (or so) year old little girl, whom I love with all my heart. I am always afraid though, that I am going to screw up her whole life because her father and I couldn't work things out together. I now have a new man in my life, and I think this relationship could be the one. Do you have any suggestions as to how to handle the situation so that my daughter will still know that she's Daddy's girl, but so that she'll think that she's John's girl, too? Do you know any books that I could read to help me feel more comfortable with this situation?

Dionne

Dear Dionne

When I got a divorce in my early twenties, I was also concerned that my children might be"screwed up" for life. I was taking psychology classes, so I did some research on the effects of divorce on children. I learned that a poor relationship can have more negative (or at least as much) effects on children as divorce. I also learned that there are ways to reduce the negative effects. I wrote a pamphlet on "Divorce, Does It Have to Hurt So Much?" The essence of that pamplet, plus much more, is the basis of our discussion of divorce in our book, Positive Discipline A-Z. We also discuss this quite thoroughly in Positive Discipline for Single Parents. These books will give you even more information than I can cover in a fairly brief answer to your question. First, know that children can't escape problems in life -- and this is great (in my opinion). Problems give us great opportunities to learn. We can accept this process of life, or we can frustrate ourselves moaning and groaning, feeling inadequate and imperfect, thinking we are victims, thinking life is unfair, and becoming angry, bitter, and/or depressed. Children pick up our attitudes. They then adopt similar or opposite attitudes.

It would be nice (but defeat our learning opportunities) if everything was perfect, and children could experience the perfection of their birth parents living happily ever after. However, it often doesn't work that way. When that happens, we help our children when we convey an attitude of,"This is the way it is and we will make the best of it."

One way to make the "best of it" when divorce is involved is for the divorcing parents to remain friendly so children don't believe they have to take sides. They really need to love and be loved by both parents. I get the feeling that you have accomplished this since you want your child to know that she is still "Daddy's girl." Obviously, you are not trying to turn her against her father. That is very healthy and beneficial to your daughter. It is usually not difficult for children to bring people into their love circle. They would prefer the opportunity to love four parents (birth parents and step parents) than to feel pressured to choose between parents. Of course,many variables come in to play. The adults need to be worthy of the love.

In the book mentioned above on Single Parents, we give a wonderful example of a demonstration with candles for introducing a significant other into the family. I won't repeat the whole story, but the theme is to show that you can light many candles with the light of your candle and still have all your light left -- and that is how love is.

Sometimes children feel jealous and possessive when a new person comes on the scene. Use family meetings (even two is a family) to discuss feelings honestly. Share your needs as well as listening to the needs of your daughter -- and then work on solutions that work for everyone. Children are great at finding workable solutions when they are taught problem-solving skills, including brain storming, and are then given the opportunity to practice their skills. I would like to leave you with one thought. Be careful that you do not become over protective in the name of love. You are taking a good step in getting as much information as you can. Keep learning, teach your child good problem-solving skills, and then have faith in yourself and in her to handle the many circumstances you will both encounter throughout your lives.