My question is regarding my 4- year- old son and the use of time- out. My husband and I are absolutely committed to not spanking and have used time out as the main tool for discipline when our 4-year-old's behavior gets too out of line. Jeremy is a very good natured kid who is very cooperative, popular in school, and really great to be with.

However, in the past six months or so, if we put him in time- out, he lashes out at us and either tries to hit us, or when we put him in the guest room for time out (I don't want his room to be a place of punishment for him), he starts throwing books around the room and even threw a framed photo once! I dont' feel that we reward this in any way. We don't let him out of time- out until he cleans up after himself, and we certainly don't shorten time out when he does this.

The strange thing is that he always manages to pull himself together totally on his own and usually not too long after the outburst. He cleans up the room, usually apologizes for his behavior, and then he is the nicest, sweetest kid you could ever want to know! This whole thing just unnerves me, as I came from a family where no one vented like this (of course, we have ulcers, so that has it's own problems :-)), and I worry about him getting older and bigger and still behaving this way. I am not sure how to handle this. My husband is now arguing to put him in time-out in his own room so that if he destroys anything, it is his own stuff. I still don't like punishing him in his room, plus he shares a room with a 2 1/2 year old brother, and I don't think it is fair to him if Jeremy wrecks stuff. Any thoughts on this? Thank you!!

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

I appreciate your question because I think you voice a concern held by many. You don't want to use violence (which I assume to you means spanking) but want to find something else that will help your child develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. Unfortunately, the way you are using time- out is not the answer.

First of all, any kind of punishment is violent, either physically, mentally, or emotionally. You are not using physical violence, but think about your expectation that he should "feel badly for needing to be punished." It is true that a "misbehaving child is a discouraged child" but punitive time- out is not the way to help that child feel encouraged. Children DO better when they FEEL better, so encouragement is the key.

In our book, Time Out, Abuses and Effective Uses, we show how time out can be encouraging and empowering instead of punitive and discouraging. I will give you a brief synopsis: Time out should be designed to help children feel good not bad or guilty. As soon as children are able to understand, we can explain to them (not at the time of upset) that sometimes we (all of us, adults and children) get upset or act disrespectfully. We may need time to cool off until we feel better -- because we behave better when we feel better. We can then get the children to help us design a time out area that will help them feel better. The timeout area could have books, stuffed animals, music and toys. Some children love to use a timer that "they" can set as a guess about how long it might take them to feel better. It can be explained that when the child goes to time out, by his own choice or by invitation, he can come out as soon as he feels better and is willing to behave respectfully -- or would like to put the problem on a family meeting agenda for discussion.

I hear the objection all the time, "But that is rewarding the behavior!" It is not when you understand that children do better when they feel better -- and that the child comes out when he is ready to behave better. I even suggest that sometimes a parent may want to go to time out "with" the child to further comfort and encourage.

We get so caught up in the notion that children must "pay" through some kind of punishment for what they have done instead of focusing on helping them do better. I have to admire your son for not falling for that. You can be thankful that he has enough '"gumption" to resist. I know it isn't your intention, but you are in a power struggle with your child. You are trying to control his behavior -- and you win. What does that make your child? The loser. You even "win" by making him clean up any mess he makes.

I'm not advocating permissiveness. That is not healthy for children. However, I believe their are many ways to invite cooperation. In our book Positive DisicplineA-Z we offer over 1001 non-punitive solutions.

If you use time out in an encouraging way, most likely you will not experience the resistance. If you do, other tools may be needed. Your four-year-old will probably love family meetings where he gets to use his wisdom to work on solutions to problems. In the process he feels listened to, (when you said he stops listening, perhaps it is because you are lecturing too much instead of inviting his ideas) learns problem-solving skills, and thus enjoys true cooperation. (Too many people define cooperation as "children doing what we tell them to do.") In the Time Out book we discuss the value of learning to ask questions of our children: What happened? What do you think caused that to happen? How do you feel about it? What did you learn from it? What ideas to you have to solve the problem? Of course, sometimes children can't discuss a problem rationally until they feel better.

Also, you say your family never "vented" and now you have ulcers. It is important to teach children that it is okay to express their feelings -- and that there is a difference between what we FEEL and what we DO. It is okay to feel angry, it is not okay to hurt other people. We give more information on this in the Positive Discipline for Preschoolers book.

I suggest that you eliminate the word punishment from your vocabulary and learn ways to encourage and empower your children. I don't think it will be hard to convince you of this since you are committed to non-violence and because you love your kids so much.