I have an 8 -yr.- old daughter, who is the oldest of 4 children. We moved to a new area last May. This year her schoolwork has been suffering. She is not even getting good grades on open book tests. The teacher and I both feel as if she is capable of doing the work. We just aren't able to figure out why she isn't. I have spoke with the teacher and she says she is getting along well with other children at school, and raising her hand when she has a question. I have even went over with her how to do an open book test. Do you have any suggestions on how to help her or maybe figure out if something else is going on?

I have disciplined her, grounded her, talked to her, cried with her, I don't know what else to do.

Melissa

Like the rest of us, children sometimes have a tough time adjusting to change. Moving to a new neighborhood and leaving behind familiar friends, schools, and surroundings can make homework and tests seem less important. Whatever the reason, your daughter sounds as if she is discouraged. And punishment, grounding, and tears are unlikely to help her feel more encouraged.

The word "discipline" has a very simple meaning. It comes from the same Latin root as the word "disciple" and simply means "to teach." You and your daughter's teacher believe she could do better on her school work, but first you must understand the reasons--from your daughter's perspective--that she isn't doing well now. For the moment, stop all criticism and lecturing. Spend some time letting your daughter know that while you care about her grades, her feelings are important to you too and you want to understand what's going on for her. You can make some guesses: "Are you angry? Sad? Lonely? Afraid?" Be patient and willing to listen. Then see what happens.

There is always a belief behind human behavior, even when we don't quite know what it is. My guess is that your daughter is feeling "helpless and hopeless" and needs your support to regain her confidence and feelings of capability. Find things she does well and give her opportunities to do them. Invite her help and her ideas. Instead of looking for ways to "get her" to do better, ask for her help in finding solutions together. Be satisfied with small improvements, and have faith in her ability to change and grow. Help her make new friends. Spend special time together. In short, let her know that you believe she is a capable and competent young person and that she is special to you. Her teacher, too, can find ways for her to help and feel significant in the classroom.

You might ask yourself, "What memory do I hope she will have about this period of her life twenty years from now? Will she perceive that I was against her, or will she perceive that I loved her unconditionally, had faith in her, and was supportive of her." Be patient, and if things don't improve, consider finding a skilled therapist to help you and your daughter work together to make things better.

Best wishes to both of you--

Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT
Certified Positive Discipline Associate