Q.We have a 3 1/2- yr -old son who is very bright, spoke at an early age and can be quite humorous, however lately he has been saying " you're stupid," "I hate you," and sticking his tongue out.At first we were ignoring it and trying not to draw attention.We'd say "oh that's not nice to say or that can hurt peoples feelings"...etc....we do not believe in spanking and we have tried the time out method in his room for various offenses..ha hah.We are at our wits end as nothing seems to be working.If I scold him for throwing a toy at his brother he'll retort with" you're stupid or I hate you or the tongue thing".He is smart and when all is calm we have discussed that those words are not acceptable in our house...He has a 2- year old brother who is starting to repeat "stupid"..Help..any suggestions? I realize that he probably does not totally understand the ramifications of those words but until he does what do you suggest?

A.Does it help to know that this is very normal behavior. Not pleasant, but normal. Children this age are testing their power. You say you were ignoring at first, but the behavior you described didn't sound like ignoring. Saying, "that's not nice, etc. is not ignoring. You might try "really" ignoring. Children are too smart to repeat behavior that doesn't get a response. Another possibility is to walk out of the room whenever he starts. However, this is effective only if it is done kindling and firmly – without showing too much emotion. Children understand action better than words.
Some parents have fun using their senses of humor. They might say, "Well Mickey Mouse to you too." Or, "Well,  it does not matter what you say, don't use the word suitcase or halitosis."
Another possibility is to simply validate his feelings, "Sounds like you are angry, or frustrated, etc." Too many parents don't simply allow children to have their feelings and have faith in them to deal with them – in time.
There are so many other possibilities. Have you read any of our books? "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" will help you understand what is normal for this age and is filled with suggestions. "Positive Discipline A-Z" provides several suggestions for every problem you can think of plus suggestions about how to prevent the problem in the future. "Positive Time Out and 50 Other Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms" shows how to use time out in non-punitive ways that empower and encourage – as well as many other tools to deal effectively with misbehavior while teacher important life skills.
Hang in there. This behavior does disappear – sooner than later when you
use effective methods.