I'm writing to ask what I can do when I am in the situation where my 3 1/2 year
old son and his friend persist in fighting.
The boys are devoted friends, but they often disagree, and the disagreements
almost always degenerate into a brawl, with flying fists, hair-pulling, and
screams of "I don't like you". If they are separated physically, my son can
usually sit on the couch to cool down, and then come up with a solution to
avoiding the trouble, and they play again for a few minutes until something else
sets them off. I have tried to follow the example in your pre-school book that
the play date ends when the fighting begins, but each time I do this, the
neighbor boy has a temper tantrum: kicking, biting, and hitting me.
My son has an older sister, and attends nursery school, so he is more used to
having to solve problems with other kids than is his friend, who is the oldest
in his family, and is at home all the time with his parents and baby sister. He
is not used to being asked to sit, cool off, and work out a solution. Also,
since the boys take about 10 seconds to get from the initial disagreement to the
fisticuff, and they both seem to relish the physicality of the fight, I need
tools that I can draw on quickly.
One thing that I feel I cannot do is sit down and play with them all through the
visits. I have a small baby who is quite needy, so I also need tools that let me
"multi-task."
Thanks, Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
Actually, I'm impressed with what you are doing
(and agree that you should not sit and play with them during the visits).
Sometimes there is nothing you can do, except what you are doing, and realize
that it just takes time before children get the message of your kindness and
firmness at the same time. Below you may find a few more hints in the following
excerpt from our book
Positive Discipline A to Z on fighting with
friends.
Fighting, Friends
"My child seems to fight a lot with her friends. How can I help her?"
Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation.
As parents, it is painful to watch our children suffer hurt, rejection, and
isolation when they fight with their friends. However, this too seems to be a
part of the growing-up experience. Even though children seem to suffer terribly
when they fight, they usually get over the pain much more quickly than adults
do. It is a mistake for parents to think they should protect their children from
experiencing problems in life. Instead of playing the rescuer, parents can help
their children more by being the observer, listener, coach, and cheerleader. In
this way children learn they can deal with life experiences in productive
ways--or that they can simply deal with the pain, and that it goes away when
they get on with their lives.
We are talking about normal life experiences--not pain inflicted by abnormal
experiences or safety issues such as sexual abuse, gangs, bullies, or racism.
There is a difference between friends fighting and our children becoming
victimized and powerless. If the latter is occurring, parents need to take a
very active role in getting outside help and/or helping children cope with a
situation that may be beyond their ability to manage safely.
Suggestions
1. Be empathetic and listen without trying to rescue your child or solve the
problem.
2. Show faith in your child. "Honey, I know this hurts, but I know that you can
deal with it somehow."
3. Offer support. "Let me know if you need a sounding board or if you want any
suggestions. My suggestions will be just brainstorm ideas. You can decide if any
would work for you."
4. Don't treat your child like a victim or she will learn to think of herself as
a victim.
5. When your child doesn't want to see or play with a friend, support her in
that decision and don't push her to make up. If your child decides to cut off a
relationship with a friend, trust her. She may have very good reasons why she
doesn't want to play with that friend anymore. (See Friends, Choosing.)
6. If you have more than one child, don't expect friends to like playing with
all of the children. It is important that each child be allowed to make and
maintain separate friendships and play uninterrupted by siblings if that is his
or her preference.
7. Sometimes children need to be interrupted in their fight because they have
lost control. During these times, separate them (without trying to decide who
started the fight) and let them know they can try again when they have calmed
down and are ready to look for solutions.
Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems
1. Share information about accountability without blame. "When we look at what
we might have done to create a situation, we have the power to change our part
if we want to. Knowing that you and your friend are each totally responsible for
what happened, can you think of what you might have done to create the problem?"
2. Share your own stories of childhood fights--what happened and how you felt.
3. While tucking your children in bed at night, ask about their saddest and
happiest times of the day. They will know they can share their experiences--both
happy and sad--with you.
Life Skills Children Can Learn
Children can learn that they have the courage and confidence to deal with
painful experiences in life. They can take responsibility for their part in
creating the pain and can choose to make changes. It is nice to have someone who
can listen without rescuing or blaming them. In the case of safety issues,
children will learn that you are there to make sure they have the help they
need.
Parenting Pointers
1. Accept that fights among friends are normal and view them as a necessary part
of your child's experiences. Know that the conflict will pass, usually in less
time than you think. Children usually finish a fight much quicker if adults stay
uninvolved.
2. Remember that children, like adults, often need a sounding board more
than they need solutions imposed on them.
3. Keep in mind that there is a difference between normal fighting and safety
issues or violence against a person, and adjust your role appropriately.
Booster Thought
We frequently talk with parents who are worried that their children don't have
enough friends. Often when kids are in the sixth through the eighth grade, they
go through a change in friends. When we talk with the kids, we learn that
sometimes they don't want to hang out with their old friends because they've
started using drugs. They don't want to tell their parents the reason because
they are loyal to the old friends and don't want to get them in trouble with
their parents. They resent being pushed to hang out with kids they no longer
enjoy or respect. They wish their parents would back off and trust their
judgment. Often the kids they have broken with have a polished public image
saved for parents, but in private act out and are rebellious.
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