I am just starting on the road to PD after using spanking and etc. in the past (my oldest child is 6). My question is what do you suggest when the way you want to parent differs with your spouse? (i.e. you want to stop spanking and start using PD and your spouse doesn't....)

Hi Lorrie, Congratulations on your efforts to stop spanking and other punitive methods.

I have covered the question about spouses disagreeing in several of the PD books and will repeat it here. It is very normal for parents to disagree, because, as I'm sure you have heard, opposites attract. One difference doesn't show up until after the children are born, and that is that one parent is usually slightly lenient and one is slightly strict. The problem is that the strict parent usually becomes too strict to make up for the wishy -washy lenient parent; and the lenient parent becomes more strict to make up for the mean 'ol strict parent -- and then they fight about who is right and who is wrong. They are both wrong. It is not effective to be too strict or too lenient. Neither approach helps children learn the confidence and skills they need to be successful in life.

The ideal situation is when both will take a parenting class or read a book together. However, too often this doesn't happen. Second best is for you to do what feels right for you and allow your spouse the same privilege (short of child abuse). It only causes resentment for one spouse to tell the other what to do. Children are very clever and know how to change their behavior depending on who they are dealing with. And, if you model respectful behavior and get good results, there is a small chance that your spouse will learn from your actions instead of resisting your words.