Sometimes, if I was planning to go outside, I will say when you are dressed we can go out. Now if Mike wants to go out but Jimmy is not dressed, what do I do. It is not fair for Mike to miss going outside because Jimmy will not get dressed. Usually I resort to cajoling, nagging (things I abhor doing and feel guilty about). Jimmy always seems to put off and put off. It seems he waits until I will give in and help him to do things (put on shoes, shirts etc). He also tries for one nanosecond to do something and then whines that he cannot do it. When I try to encourage him by saying you can do it and pointing things out (like for the shoes, which string to pull to loosen them) he starts giggling and looking at everything except the shoe! I believe he is quite intelligent; he is very curious and asks lots of questions which I try to answer. He also wants to do lots of things (use tape, scissors, play with real screwdrivers, wrenches, drills etc.) and I encourage lots of exploration and hands on with my supervision.

Now things are very distressing because his younger brother is 27 months and talking very well. Mike is making known his likes and dislikes while he idolizes Jimmy. Mike has been a biter. We have tried to weather it but now Jimmy has decided he can bite when Mike does some real or perceived transgression. Both boys give as much as they get but I get angry when one hurts the other. They will poke each other with tinker toys, hit each other with toy hammers, pinch, etc. It sounds as if I have no control but lots of the time they play together, show signs of affection for each other, and
share toys. I think my questions are about what do I do? I seem to be unable to find a plan for when these misbehaviors occur. I resort to timeout (which Jimmy considers a punishment because he is crying when I remove him from the play area) and loud voice that often escalates to yelling. HELP. This is not how I want to parent my children. However, when I read the books I cannot find concrete suggestions for my problems. For example, If I need to leave the house for an appointment, and Jimmy refuses to get dressed, what do I do? If Jimmy keeps trying to bite Mike, what do I do? I am quite discouraged right now and not sure what to do. I hope you can help.

Hi. My name is Debi Sementelli and I am one of the Certified Positive Discipline Associates who is available to answer questions posted on our website.

First of all I want to commend you for your obvious desire to implement the Positive Discipline theory. As I read your letter, I was excited to hear all the positive things that you are already doing. Spending time connecting with the boys by playing with them provides a wonderful foundation for your relationship. It also sounds like you honor their developmental needs by allowing them to explore, discover and play while being supervised. These proactive activities are so important. You are doing better than you may have realized!

I have 2 boys as well. They are now 10 and 13. But I started using Positive Discipline with them when they were 2 and 5. I can relate to your very real everyday dilemmas. It can be hard sometimes to take a theory and apply it in so many different situations. I too had difficulty with this in the first few years but with practice you get more skilled.

Now let's look at an overview of your situation. First of all having 2 boys so close in age is going to create some sibling rivalry. That is normal and natural. Secondly if you re-read your Positive Discipline: The First Three Years book under the chapter on autonomy and power, you will see that this is exactly what Jimmy is experimenting with. Not getting dressed when it's time to go is a classic example of that. Wow, look how much power I have! I can control the whole family with it! Thirdly, at these ages there are so many things that are going on developmentally. Because they are curious and
intelligent, they are fascinated by cause and effect. I hit my brother with a toy hammer and look what happens! Let's see that again!

It's important to know that children at this age do not understand, like we do, that the person they are hitting has feelings just like them. They are not doing it intentionally. They may be experiencing some frustration and are experimenting with how to express that. Or they may be excited by the reaction they get from the other child and from mom.

Here's a practical solution to this challenge that involves 1) understanding what kids know and don't know, and 2) taking time for training: I can remember a child in my playgroup who pushed and hit other kids out of the way when he wanted to get something. The moms all talked and recognized that he (as well as the rest of the 2 1/2-3 yr. olds in the group) did not have the cognitive ability to purposely try to hurt another child. We decided we needed to help all of the kids learn about nice touch and hurtful touch. We made sure to start and end each playgroup date with everyone giving hugs (nice touch). We bought a "Bobo" (one of those play punching bags and a had a
pillow available) and instructed the children that Bobos and pillows were for hitting. People were not for hitting. People are for hugging. With supervision, we were able to correct the hurtful touch by re-directing the child to the Bobo or pillow saying "Bobos and pillows are for hitting, people are for hugging." It did not take long before they learned this concept and were able to go to the Bobo on their own.

Now let's apply the same formula to the biting. First of all young children use anything they can including their mouths to explore. Secondly, if biting has been getting a reaction, that fuels the fire and makes it something they want to repeat. Like a science experiment! Taking time for training would involve several steps. First I might let each
of them pick out a teething toy. Again with supervision, when they are starting to go for the brother's arm, re-direct them to the teething toy saying ( in a calm matter of fact voice) " Teethers are for biting. People are for hugging. You can bite the teether."
Don't expect them to get it overnight. Training takes some time. But if you eliminate the excited reaction of the past "DON'T BITE YOUR BROTHER !!!" and replace it with a calmer, re-directing positive ("You can bite this.") you should see this problem dissipate within a few weeks.

Rereading chapter 9 " Understanding Developmental and Age Appropriateness" in the above mentioned book should help you understand the attitude that would be most effective on handling this situation.

Also check chapter 14 in the preschooler book regarding Positive Time out. Going with younger children to time out can help them to learn how to calm themselves down so that as soon as they do they can decide to go back and play.

A note here. Children are not always going to like even positive time out and may cry or fuss. It is still important to train them to "help themselves feel better" by taking a break from the situation. This is basic anger management. There are plenty of adults who never learned this! It is essential for healthy human beings to know how to first recognize when they are frustrated or angry and second take responsibility for their own feelings instead of projecting them onto others. Thirdly, we all do better when we feel better. It can help if you model positive time out when you are at that point by stating, "I'm angry. I need to take a time out to calm myself down so I can feel better." I know with young children you can't always go to your room leaving them unsupervised, but you can have a walkman with a relaxing tape kept nearby so you can escape for a few minutes by listening to music that makes you feel better!

Now let's address the "not getting dressed" issue. You have mentioned that you think the mistaken goal is undue attention. The combination of this scenario as well as the "waiting until you give in and help him do things" could actually be a combination of undue attention and misguided power. He sure is getting a lot of power from both of these situations. (check out Chapter 6 in the First Three Years book on "Autonomy" and Chapter 20 in the preschooler book- "Mistaken goals at home" section on Misguided power and for implementing the solutions Chapter 12 in preschooler book "Decide what you will do".) The not getting dressed is a classic example of a child using inappropriate power. When my son was 2 1/2-3 and decided he didn't want to get dressed to go to preschool, I "decided what I would do, not what I would try to make him to." This is such a powerful Positive Discipline tool. It is probably the one I use the most even today! Here's how I used it. I told him in advance the night before that he would have the choice to get dressed at home or in Miss Sherry's office. If he chose the latter what "I would do" is put his clothes in a bag and bring them with us in the car and he could carry them into Miss Sherry's office and get dressed there. The school has a rule that says that you have to be dressed before you can go into your classroom. So he would need to follow that rule at school.

We also sometimes had to do this with his toothbrush and toothpaste and breakfast. ( I'd put graham crackers in a bag for him to eat in the car, knowing he would have snack at school and would not die if he missed breakfast!) What typically happened was he would get dressed at home. But about every 3 months he would choose Miss Sherry's office just to see if I still "say what I mean and mean what I say." Which is a great example of his developmental need to test the limits!  You asked what do I do when I need to go to an appointment and he won't get dressed? Give him limited choices ( you can get dressed here or at the doctor's office.) Respect his choice. Follow through with kindness and firmness by taking the clothes in a bag. My son who is now 10 doesn't even remember this! So he obviously wasn't humiliated or embarrassed by it!

Bottom line: Sometimes our job is to say no and let them know with "kindness and firmness" where the limits are. A lot of the moms of preschoolers that I work with are still learning where that line is. It makes me think of the Groucho Marx saying" I wouldn't want to be a member of a club who would have me as a member of their club!" Kids need us to be in charge ( not in control, there's a big difference.) of the situation. They almost instinctively know that they don't have the knowledge or experience to do
what is best for everyone, so they are depending on us to take that lead. If we don't, we give them inappropriate power and teach them to manipulate us and others.

Having 2 boys so close in age can be physically, mentally and emotionally draining ! Make sure to give yourself "mommy time" so you can fill your love cup back up! I applaud your desire to raise your children in an environment that focuses on unconditional love, mutual respect, and kindness and firmness. Be patient with them and yourself and you will continue to develop healthy, happy, balanced children.

In light and love,
Debi Sementelli

PS ( Within the next few months I will have my website up. It offers a series of parenting products that I originally designed for my own use. They proved to be so helpful to other moms as well so I have made them available to the public. These products continue to help me to apply the Positive Discipline theory in my every day life with my kids! Go to www.mompower@bigstep.com  after July 31st to learn more.)