My husband is working at night 3 pm to 11 pm I have 1 year old twins (breastfeed) an a three years old daughter that does not want to go to bed. At the moment I pass the door she starts crying, yelling and making all sorts of noises. She knows that I don't want her to wake up the twins so I come back. I don't want to close the door and I don't want to put her in the basement as my husband says.

The small amount of energy left after a day is drained by this situation. There no time left to do anything at night and me and my husband are never alone we have to speak of everything in front of them. I am french so we speak in English...until they understand. Is it ok?

When I brought home Eric and Wendy from the hospital to our 4 year-old Erin, the first thing out of her mouth was "take HIM back"and"I like my little sister!" who was indeed as little and quiet as Eric was big and noisy!!!I think she indeed felt left out with the arrival of 2 babies - 1 was enough!

One of my favorite stories that Jane Nelsen tells I have copied here - I SO wish I had had this story to relate to Erin's need for me to love her the same as "before" twins - I didn't have it's wisdom then - I know now that this is a very common behavior for older children when you bring home a new baby - but I thought I could "wipe away" her feelings somehow if I could 'just be a better Mom' - if I had understood the fact that HER belief motivated her behavior, I would have realized that I couldn't change her behavior until I understood and dealt with HER FEELINGS ... so I muddled through on my own - perhaps this story will help you understand the possible "whys" of your 3 year-old's cries at night when she sees you go past her room:

Using Candles to Deal with the Belief Behind the Behavior
by Jane Nelsen

There is a belief behind every behavior, but we usually only deal with the behavior.Dealing with the belief behind the behavior does not mean you don't deal with the behavior.You are most effective when you are aware of both the behavior and the belief behind it. The following is a classic example of the belief behind a behavior.Suppose you have a four-year-old boy whose mother goes off to the hospital and brings home a brand-new baby.What does the four-year-old see going on between Mom and the baby? -- Time and attention.What does your son interpret that to mean? -- Mom loves the baby more than me.What does the four-year-old do in an attempt to get the love back? -- He may act like a baby himself and cry a lot, ask for a bottle, and soil his pants.

Wayne Freiden's and Marie Hartwell Walker's have created songs that help adults get into the world of children and understand the beliefs they could be dealing with based on their birth order. Their songs include seven different birth order positions.Following is one verse from the song, Number One:

Oh it's hard to be number one.
And lately it's just no fun at all.
Life was so nice, when there were three,
Mommy and Daddy and Me.
And now there's another.
And I don't like it one bit.
Send it back to the hospital
And let's just forget about it.

Four-year-old Becky, who could identify with this song. Becky was feeling dethroned by the birth of a baby brother, and was experiencing confusion about her feelings for the baby. Sometimes she loved him, and other times she wished he had never been born because Mom and Dad spend so much time with him. She didn't know how to get attention for herself, except to act like the baby.
One evening, when the baby was asleep, Becky's mom sat down at the kitchen table with her daughter and said, "Honey, I would like to tell you a story about our family." She had found four candles of varying lengths."These candles represent our family." She picked up one long candle and said, "This is the mommy candle.This one is for me." She lit the candle as she said, "This flame represents my love." She picked up another long candle and said, "This candle is the daddy candle." She used the flame from the mommy candle to light the daddy candle and said, "When I married your daddy, I gave him all my love -- and I still have all my love left." Mom placed the daddy candle in a candle holder. She then picked up a smaller candle and said, "This candle is for you." She lit the smaller candle with the flame from her candle and said, "When you were born, I gave you all my love.And look. Daddy still has all my love, and I still have all my love left." Mom put that candle in a candle holder next to the daddy candle. Then she picked up the smallest candle and, while lighting it from the mommy candle, said, "This is a candle for your baby brother.When he was born I gave him all my love.And look -- you still have all my love.Daddy has all my love.And I still have all my love left because that is the way love Is.You can give it to everyone you love and still have all your love.Now look at all the light we have in our family with all this love."
Mom then asked Becky if she would like to use her candle to light the other candles, so she could see how she could give all her love away and still have all her love. Becky was excited to try this. Mom snuffed the flame on all the candles except Becky's, and then helped her pick up each candle and hold it over the flame of her candle until it was lit. Becky's eyes were shining almost as brightly as the flame of the candles.
Mom gave Becky a hug and said, "Does this help you understand that I love you just as much as I love your baby brother?"
Becky said, Yes, and I can love lots of people just the same. What happens to us is never as important as the beliefs we create about what happens to us.Our behavior is based on those beliefs, and the behavior and beliefs are directly related to the primary goal of all people -- to feel that we belong and are important.
Mom had learned to deal with the belief behind Becky's misbehavior. Becky stopped acting like a baby, and was more consistently loving to her baby brother.

I also would like to encourage you to read Positive Time Out and 50 Other Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms and/or Positive DisciplinePositive Discipline, or, Positive Discipline The First Three Years , or, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers There are many alternatives to basement or to closing the door – which would actually cause her to feel more discouraged and thus to misbehave even more. Some of the alternatives are:

special time- with just your 3-yr. old when babies are napping?

10 Words or Less

let her sleep with your picture and her Dad's picture so that you are always close

ask her help to put the babies to bed so that you 2 could read one extra book

practice with one of her dolls to show how to go 'nite-nite" and then let her practice on her own ...

follow-through with "It is bed-time, you may_____ or _____ or ______ (read, listen to a quiet CD, get a back rub and then turn out the lites...)and -I won't be coming back in if you cry out for me after I've said good-nite....."

take Polaroid snapshots of her 'routine' for bed and then tape to the wall at her height so she can do what each picture says......

Involve her in the decision of "reading before we put the babies to bed" A few nites of this and she may think of other options of what would "help her get quiet so that she can sleep."

I can relate to your frustration - and hope these few ideas will help

I am quite sure that other Associates will write you with their thoughts - take heart knowing that you are trying - and effort goes a LONG way in the eyes of a child!

Sincerely,

Mary (Certified Positive Discipline Associate - Omaha)