I have a son turning 4 this week. He has such a sweet demeanor, but sometimes really seems over stimulated and I cannot get him to acknowledge me when this happens. He kicks animals and hurts me or other family members, destroys toys and then will laugh when disciplined. He dares my husband to spank him and laughs at me for attempting to correct him. Tantrums are just awful and he doesn't seem to care after hurting his friends. We have tried time outs for years and that is like giving him a piece of candy now. Please help. I think parenting classes are my only hope, but cannot find any in the area. I keeping praying that I haven't given birth to a serial killer. I hate this feeling and cannot relax when other kids are around for fear of what other parents will think of us or that their kids will get injured.

I seriously doubt you've given birth to a serial killer. My guess is that your son, like all youngsters his age, is acutely tuned in to your emotional "energy" and body language. He picks up your tension when other kids are around and has discovered that this is a terrific way to get your attention and create a sense of personal power for himself. You say you've been using time-outs "for years," and this is probably part of the problem: children aren't truly able to connect action and consequence until they're around 3, so using time-outs in a punitive way has probably increased his sense of a power struggle between you. There's a simple way to check what's going on here. All children (and all adults, for that matter) have in common a primary human need, the need to feel a sense of belonging and significance. When they don't, for whatever reason, they find "mistaken" ways of creating that sense. Parents usually call this "misbehavior." When your son taunts you, resists your efforts to discipline him, and shows no remorse for hurting his friends, how do you feel? If you are feeling hurt and wounded, your son is probably acting from a need for revenge. If you feel threatened or provoked, he's engaging you in a power struggle, showing you that you "can't make him" do (or feel) anything. He isn't aware of his mistaken goals, but they motivate his behavior all the same.

When your son begins to lose control, the best response is action, not words. Calmly pick him up and take him to a "cool-off" spot where he can calm himself down. Books, puzzles, coloring, or soft toys may help. All you need to say is, "It's never okay to hurt others. Looks like you need time to feel better." Like children who bite, your son will need more watchful supervision until this behavior calms down. When you see him moving to hurt someone, don't hesitate: remove him from the situation. You may need to hold him firmly on your lap, facing away from you, until he can quiet down. Above all, stop punishing, and lecturing to control his behavior. Use kind and firm parenting methods and consistent follow through to teach him respect for boundaries.

I highly recommend Positive Time Out and 50 Other Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers to help you learn kind, firm parenting methods--especially if there are no parenting classes or support groups in your area. If you have the time and energy, you might consider starting such a group yourself. You're probably not the only one in your community with a challenging youngster.

If you find that you cannot help your son change his behavior, I highly recommend that you find a skilled therapist who works with young children. It may also help to talk to your pediatrician and to have your son evaluated for sensory integration problems or other developmental delays. There may be more going on for your son than just occasional bad behavior, and the time you invest in solving this problem now may save you all a great deal of struggle later on.

Best wishes to you and your family,