I read an article on positive discipline but I'm not sure what it is or how to do it. Can you please give me examples on this ? I have an 8 year old daughter who is very angry and out of control with verbal abuse.

She is currently in therapy to help us get this under some control . She has a stepfather who she has no respect for ( married now for 3 years) She is verbally abusive to him also. I am going crazy and my younger daughter wants me and her to go live in another house without her and the stepfather because of the arguing. I have tried to explain to him not to argue with her that they sound like two 8 year olds going at it. He doesn't want to let up on her he says she will just get worse. can you please help me and my younger daughter? (before we fly the coop) :) younger child is 7

Thanks Kathy

What is "positive discipline?" Well, it is an approach to parenting and teaching that is focused on respect, understanding, and finding solutions, rather than on punishing misbehavior. It is based on the principle of mutual respect (an element of all successful relationships) and on the idea that all human beings--and particularly young ones--are looking for what we call "a sense of belonging and significance." When they don't feel that belonging, they usually find a mistaken way of creating it. We call those mistaken ways of belonging "misbehavior." (Some common forms of mistaken behavior are bids for undue attention and power--like yelling and arguing.)

How do you "do" positive discipline? In my experience-- more than a decade of working with families and children as a marriage and family therapist, lecturer, and writer, as well as sixteen years of parenting--it is a daily journey. Perhaps the first question to ask is "what message is your daughter sending you with her behavior?" If you can decipher the clues, you have a good chance of finding a solution that not only changes her behavior, but deals with her feelings and innermost beliefs. We cover how to do this in all of the Positive Discipline books.

For starters, I find myself wondering why she "has no respect" for her stepfather. She sounds angry, and if you put yourself in her shoes, a remarriage can alter any child's sense of belonging and significance. She may feel displaced or jealous: she may miss having more time with you. Understanding her beliefs is not, by the way, excusing her behavior, and you're right: both she and your husband will probably do better if they can stop yelling. (And unfortunately, that sort of change almost always begins with us adults!) I understand your husband's desire not to let her behavior get out of control, but engaging in power and/or revenge cycles rarely makes things better. Letting her know she can use words to let you know what's making her unhappy (rather than acting it out through misbehavior) may be a good beginning. I would suggest that the entire family engage in the therapy process in order to look for solutions, rather than just taking your daughter (which is another way of telling her that she's "the problem").

I also highly recommend "Positive Discipline in Your Step family " by Jane Nelsen and Cheryl Erwin (Revised 2nd Edition, Prima, 2000). It addresses many of the tough issues step families face, including divided loyalties and difficult feelings, and you may find more specific answers there. It is available in book stores, on our website, or by calling 1-800-456-7770. Hang in there; settling down together takes both time and patience. You're on the right track.

Best wishes,

Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT

Certified Positive Discipline Associate