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Hi... I am a 20 year old single
working mom of a two soon to be 3 (march) year old boy. I currently live with
both my parents and my son. The father got involved in drug behavior after the
birth and has not seen his son in a year and a half. Is it a bad thing to keep
him away? Also my son is still unable to be left with ANY babysitter besides my
parents. Even my best friend who he know very well cannot keep him. I even have
tried letting him cry and leaving. NOTHING is working. Any ideas? I really need
time alone. I thought separation anxiety was over about 18 months??? Also he is
very fresh sometimes hitting, screaming, not sharing toys, and winning over
nothing. He can be good, but most of the time he's not very good. He knows his
ABC's. He can count to ten. He knows most colors. Is that normal for his age? He
is still not potty trained. For awhile he was going on the toilet but then he
stopped. I am thinking of moving out of my parents house soon is this a good
idea because he is VERY close to my parents. I am sorry I am asking so much ...
I'll go now. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you.
Melissa, Lowell Ma.
Hi Melissa,
You have some excellent
questions! AND of course you need some time ALONE! All Mommies do! Sounds as
though it would really help if you knew a bit about child development. It is
much easier to understand children's behavior when you understand that kids are
"designed" a certain way and that there are stages of growth and development
that happen in an expected order. It's information NONE of us is EVER taught! We
somehow have to know it! Like through osmosis, or something! I've often said we
get more instructions when we buy an electric can opener than we do when our
kids are born! We're handed this beautiful gift of life with no written
instruction book! There are many different kinds of children, just as there are
can openers - so we almost need an individualized book of instructions with each
child's name on it! The more you observe your child's behavior, the better you
will learn to read his cues.
Part of what I'm going to suggest
will give you some help in understanding how children grow, and part of my
answer to your questions will have suggestions for what you might try to say and
do that will encourage your son's "good" behavior more often.
1. About Child Development and
what to expect from your son who is almost 3 yrs old, here is the website to
Iowa State University Extension where you can print off any publication - FREE
OF CHARGE - that interests you:
http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Pages/pubs/ch.htm
Just highlight this address and
copy and paste it into the address line and it'll open right up. There you'll
find publications on child development, discipline, and parenting issues. I
tried to locate Massachusetts Extension and had no luck getting to their family
publications (got the gardening ones just fine!) - each state has their own
Extension service with short, free, research-based information on topics of
interest to families - you could call your county office for similar
publications from Massachusetts Extension Service. I work for Iowa State
University Extension in addition to being a Certified Positive Discipline
Associate, so could find my own website very quickly!
There are also several books in a
series on child development that you could pick up for a reasonable price in
Target - I think they are put out by the Academy of Pediatrics - the titles
sound like "The One-Year Old," The Two Year Old," etc. Anyway, child development
information could help you understand what to expect of your son intellectually,
cognitively, socially, and emotionally.
2. I am going to guess that your
parents love this little boy very much - and so do you, Melissa! Being the
'only' grandson living with your folks, and your 'only' son - and also knowing
that he hasn't been left with a sitter successfully tells me that you may be
pampering him just a bit! My guess is that he gets what HE wants pretty
regularly, with little attention paid to your adult needs. Your son likely
EXPECTS to get HIS way, regardless of what you need because he hasn't had to
negotiate with anyone except himself as the center of attention! He needs to
learn the art of cooperation - and he can do that with the help of all 3 adults
who love him! HOW???
3. Jane Nelsen is the author of
several books that will interest you - I recommend, esp, two of my favorites
from the Positive Discipline Series that would be of GREAT assistance to you.
They are:
Positive Discipline for
Preschoolers and Positive Time Out and 50 Other Ways to Avoid Power
Struggles in Homes and Classrooms . These titles are
hyperlinked to the website where you can get information on how to order them -
many times libraries have them for check-out also. Another title in the series
that would help you is
Positive Discipline for Single Parents. In the Preschoolers Book there is a lot of information on
Child Development, also.
Any of these books would help you
understand how your son thinks and feels - which, in turn, motivates what he
does.
4. A couple of specific tools
that may help you get some relief, as well as help your son to be more
independent are:
*Give him choices - to help him
understand that he can make good decisions. Such as: "would you like to stay
with Grandma or with Terry (your friend) while Mama goes to the grocery store?"
Then you have to
**Follow Through - "mean what you
say, say what you mean, and don't say it mean!" - the choice is NOT to go with
me for the short trip to the store - you can try leaving him for 20 min., then,
30 min., then 45 min, then 1 hr. - each time saying, "I'll be home soon." then,
I'll be home later - have a nice playtime with Terry.... etc. It is important to
note that he won't like this, AND that it is important to let him experience
that he can handle not getting his own way and other disappointments in life.
Have faith in him to deal with it, even though dealing with it may mean temper
tantrums.
***Maybe the option to take for a
few times would be to check with a high school, a church, or somewhere where you
know the people, ask for a recommended teen-age sitter, and have them come a few
times to play, telling your son that one day soon, they will stay with you and
Mama will go out for awhile.
**** Temper Tantrums - I'm
guessing, are one way he can control your NOT leaving - giving him special time
with you to play/read/take a walk, etc. is important - but IGNORE the temper
tantrums - go into another room, if you have to, but avoid talking to him,
saying once, as you leave the room, "When you are done screaming, Mama will talk
with you ..." By taking yourself out of the way and NOT moving him, you give him
no attention at a time when giving some could be paying off his need for
attention and/or power over you.
***** Where did he learn his
ABC's and colors, etc.?? That is usually not expected of children at 3 - he is
probably using a skill called ROTE MEMORY (they can count like a robot, because
they memorize it) rather than a REAL learning (like counting one cheerio, two
cheerios, etc. and really knowing how to use the # or the letter in conversation
or to construct an idea.)
5. If your son is going to child
care, he may be learning the hitting, and aggressiveness there - or he may be
frustrated at having to sit too still for too long - sometimes, early childhood
educators don't know child development very well and so they expect more from a
2 or 3 year old than they are capable of giving... your son needs to run,
stretch, climb, and be actively engaged while he is learning.
Worksheets/coloring books/etc.
are too confining when his small muscles aren't developed yet. He needs to grow
strong large muscles in his arms and legs to support the fine movements of
reading and writing later on. The Ages and Stages publications will help you to
see these important learnings. Kids at this age learn through their play.
******Redirecting your son to
places where he CAN hit - like a punching bag, or at a table with play dough, or
with golf tees in the sturdy foam packing corners that stereos are packed in -
along with a wooden hammer at the table where he makes designs by pounding the
tees into the foam may help him know WHERE and WHAT to hit that is ok -
*******Water Play is very
soothing for kids who lose their tempers often - get a small Rubbermaid tub -
fill it 1/4 to 1/3 full with warm water - use measuring cups (clear plastic) for
him to pour and measure - color the water - melt ice cubes, etc. for varied
water play that is done on the floor with a big beach towel "rug" under the tub
- other kitchen tools can also be water play toys.
A couple other ideas -
---on potty-training - he
probably is about "normal" on this skill - for a boy - and almost 3 - usually by
this time most almost-3's are dry in the day and wet at night . I wonder why he
stopped using the toilet??? Have you asked him? Does he talk very much? His
hitting/screaming, etc. may be because he doesn't yet have the words to tell you
how he feels. The more you "make" him GO the more he will fight you if he sees
this as a battle he can win.
Well, your last question - about
seeing his Dad - you have to decide what is best for him , you, and his Dad...
maybe he could be of help to you, if he has become more responsible, and he
could possibly take time to see him and you could get a bit of a break. Your
son's safety is of first importance here - perhaps the Dad could have some
chaperoned visits and then work into visits where they are better able to bond
as Dad/son. This is an important relationship to consider - perhaps a
professional counselor could help you make that decision better than I. If this
is something his Dad wants, and it is safe and good for your son, then fine - I
can't really tell from the way you asked the question. As for your moving out...
I'd trust your own heart on that one. You will likely stay close to your family
and their support, so that your son has some stability in his early
relationships. If there is a Young Mothers' group in your area, through a
church, or school, or something, perhaps you could meet some other young Moms
who could become part of your support system as well - maybe even swapping some
sitting!
Keep loving your son and your
parents - you mean a lot to both of them, and I can feel your heart-felt concern
from here - trust your heart - read Positive Discipline, and enjoy your son -
they grow up all too soon!
My Best to You and Your Little
Boy -
Mary Hughes, Certified Positive
Discipline Associate
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