We have 4 1/2 yr old son who has been waking up in the early morning,between 3 - 4:30 am asking us to sleep with him. We have told him that mommy & daddy do not sleep in his bed - he then cries when we leave the room. And then within ten minutes he comes down to our room again.What should we do?

We also, have a problem with his temper, when he does not get his way,he seems to lose control. He is a very strong- willed little boy. In the past we have used the time-out method, spanking and nothing seems to work. I have purchased your book on Positive Discipline for Preschoolers and tried to apply some of those techniques. Is there anyother advice you can give us on how to calm him down?

Sincerely,

Karen

Dear Karen,

Your question brings back so many memories. I had these same problems with my first two children. Then I learned about the principles now explained in the Positive Discipline books and was able to eliminate these concerns with the next five. Well actually, one of the next five was about three and was doing exactly what you describe. I will tell you what I did.

Every time she came into our bed, we kindly and firmly took her back into her own bed. At this time, I hadn't learned the value of keeping my mouth shut and I would give her a little lecture while putting her back in bed. I remember the first time we did this we had to put her back 17 times. The next night it was only about 12. The third night 4 or so, and by the fourth night none.

Children seem to know when you mean it and when you are wishy -washy. Even then you can't blame them for trying. However, if you are wishy- washy and give in you create a nightmare that goes on and on.

I now tell parents (and this worked very well with my granddaughter) to take them back to bed, give them a kiss on the cheek, and leave without saying a word. Words just seem to give them ammunition to argue and try to defeat you. This may have to be repeated several times before he realizes you really mean it. Oh, I forgot to mention, that you should let him know in advance that this is what you will do.

It helps if you know you are doing your son a great service for the following reasons:

1) You are teaching him that he can handle not having his way all the time that he can handle disappointment.

2) You are teaching him that he can trust you to say what you mean and to mean what you say.

3) You are teaching him to respect the needs of others. (This lesson will be at a subconscious level and will take awhile to sink in.)

4) You are helping him develop the belief that, "I am capable." He may not like the lesson at the time it is being taught, but it will serve him throughout his life.

5) You are teaching him (by example) that taking care of your own needs is a good thing when it is done in a respectful manner.

I want to tell you one of my favorite parenting tools that will help the above be successful. Create a bedtime routine chart with him. Together make a list of all the things that need to be done before bedtime, such as bath,,jammies, brush teeth, choosing clothes for the next day, story, hugs and kisses. Cut pictures from a magazine (or take Polaroids of her doing these things) and paste them next to each item. Then the Bedtime Routine Char tbecomes the boss. You can ask, "What is next on your routine chart?" It is very empowering for her to be able to tell you instead of you telling her.This also serves to help him feel capable and encouraged, and decreases his need for misbehavior.

Regarding the temper tantrums, since you have already purchased Positive Discipline for Preschoolers I urge you to read it again. You will find that we do not advocate punishment of any kind. I admire strong-willed children, but spanking only encourages rebellion. What you want is to redirect that strong will into useful endeavors. Please read again about "PositiveTime Outs."  You might even be interested in a whole book on this subject plus many other ways to avoid power struggles: Positive Time Out and 50 Other Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms Meanwhile, I will make a few more comments about his temper tantrums.Perhaps you could learn to simply allow him to have his feelings without trying to change them. I'm sure his tantrums don't last forever.You might want to sit close by and just wait for him to finish, or you might want to let him know that you respect his feelings and will leave the room so he can feel them in privacy. It is impossible to reason with anyone when they are upset. However,you might want to talk with him after he has calmed down. At that time you could validate his feelings ."You were really angry."Sometimes that is all you need to do. Other times you might ask if he wants to talk about it or if he wants to figure out other ways to deal with the problem. It is easier to "play it by ear" if you respect his feelings and then focus on simply validating them or focusing on solutions. 

I hope this helps,

Jane Nelsen