Non-Cooperation

I hope you can be of assistance. We are a family of 4. My son is 11, our daughter 7. My husband and I own a very demanding business. We have little time for ourselves and our hobbies. I manage to work and take the kids to their after school activities. Our son can be very cooperative at times, however, more frequently we notice that if an activity is planned, and he reluctantly agrees or even enthusiastically agrees to participate and then in the middle changes his mind about wanting to participate; he makes the outing miserable for everyone by whining, grumbling etc. One example is golf. My son enjoys the game most of the time, we only get to play 9 holes (2hrs) once a week and rarely twice weekly. Last night we had the unexpected opportunity to play at 6pm. Eric wanted to play the computer (30min), I told him he could have time to do both. He agreed. After 2 holes, he doesn't want to play anymore; he whines, complains, and moves at a snail's pace along the course. This angers and frustrates me and my husband. We had to be constantly on him to move more quickly since other players were waiting behind us. We offered to have him not play and just walk the course with us if he truly didn't want to play, but he said he would rather hit. However, the entire game was ruined for us since he was so crabby, uncooperative, and slow. We are unsure what consequences this behavior has, we do not have babysitting possibilities, he said he would play, he frequently enjoys himself, and we do not feel that one parent should have to stay home and suffer (not get to enjoy the few times we get to enjoy golf) just because Eric doesn't want to join in, or changes his mind midstream. The most frustrating part is that he wants to make everyone so miserable since he is not getting what he wants.  Another problem lies in a similar way. At our business there are times when my husband could use Eric's help, we believe he is old enough to assist at times and should help the family business. When Eric wants to help its fine or he may help for 15 minutes but then he is bored, or doesn't want to help anymore, or runs off while my husband is preparing items for the project. My husband is very frustrated with him; as a child my husband was helping his father in this business and wanted to help. This very lazy, whiny attitude drives my husband nuts! I too have always been an overachiever and find his behavior very distressing, as I have stated if he wants to do it fine, if not its whining, complaining, and attempting to make everyone miserable.  We believe these may be power and/or revenge behaviors. We know that there have been times when we have lectured and scolded and we recognize how ineffective this is, however, when we ask Eric how can we solve this problem or lets figure out how we can make these activities work for everyone, he has very little to contribute. He usually says "I don't know or let me stay home", which is not an alternative. How can we handle these situations? Thank you,

 Kathy

My name is Mary Hughes and I'm one of many Certified Positive Discipline Associates with Positive Discipline who answers questions from the internet;  I'm also a Mom (grown kids - 32, 28 year-old twins), Grandma of two (Ashlea is 9 and Alex is 8), parent educator, and Family Life Specialist with Iowa State University Extension where I train professionals of many backgrounds who work with families in a variety of ways. I think it helps to know who is answering your question!

The pre-teen years are some of the hardest years for parents - and from your question, I can tell you are committed to your family and want your family atmosphere to be more cooperative and loving.  (Eric may not say he appreciates that now, but when he is in his early 20's he will turn around and look at his family in a much different and thankful way!) Some of the most rewarding memories will come from these difficult years during which both parents and children are learning to "let go."  This individuation process is often at the heart of most problems between caring parents and youth.  Although your son is 'not a teen-ager' in age, I find youth nearing teenage years signal the teen years in behaviors, emotions, and thinking. 

So I want to start there - to help you understand a bit of what he may be thinking and feeling that is behind some of the un-cooperative behaviors. First of all, the pre-teen's brain is compromised from logical thinking by the huge hormonal changes going on physically.  The most brain activity takes place in what we call the "reptilian brain" - or the part of the brain that just reacts without thinking - is challenging everything, and is highly feeling.  Many parents report that during these years of high hormonal activity, their kids are "not themselves!" So, there are actual physical reasons for impulsive behaviors that "drive parents nuts!"  The other part of brain development research that I have studied is that the parents are often going through a "high-hormone change time" as well - so, men and women in pre/ or menopause years interacting with youth whose hormones are also raging is quite an explosive scene!

The other reason I want to start here is that in Positive Discipline this is where we begin looking at the beliefs behind the behavior rather than dealing with the behavior itself.  When we better understand the '"fuel" for the misbehavior and treat THAT we can eliminate the misbehavior without punishment and reward.  When adults discipline with understanding and mutual respect, the behavior itself is just how the "insides" of the child get communicated on the "outside."

You don't say in your question that you have read the Positive Discipline books - I would recommend starting there as soon after you read my answer as you can - and I recommend:Positive Discipline for Teenagers by Jane Nelsen & Lynn Lott, (it will really help you in the stage of parenting that you are in.)
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--How you and your teen can grow and change together
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However, you do say you think these may be revenge or power-motivated behaviors, so that tells me that you may be familiar with some of the material.  If so, the place to begin is with your feelings, which I have bolded in your question above: angry, frustrated, and I'm labeling your husband's feeling of "nuts" to irritated and annoyed.  The mistaken goal chart would have us into the ATTENTION and the POWER rows, and these are your son's beliefs:  "I belong only when I'm being noticed or getting
special service."  I'm only important when I'm keeping you busy with me."  "I belong only when I'm the boss or in control, or proving that no-one can boss me - you can't make me." As I look at the chart, I'm thinking he is needing attention and wants power and influence in his life (and both of these goals are common to all of us humans - it is how we get them met that can be the problem - so our task as parents is to meet these goals in POSITIVE ways rather then having our kids resort to negative ways to get them met.).  I'm thinking that if you look at these two goals for help, you will find it. 

I'm going to:

1.  identify some clues you have given me about your family schedule and values that may contribute to Eric's problem behavior, and then
2. suggest a couple things to do right away that may help you deal with the behavior's effects on you and your husband.

1. Some clues in your question:
a. Your business is very demanding leaving you little time for the kids, let alone each other.
b. This family business has a family history and pride
c. You both value the work ethic and the family working together
d. Your son is pre-adolescent
e. Although this is not a NEW problem, Eric is less cooperative now than before.
f.  Your daughter is likely to be 'no problem' at this point, and is a good cooperator

2. Some Suggestions:
a., b., c. are all related so I will cover the suggestions together:   There WON'T be time for each other unless you put it on the calendar and make it be a "work appointment"!  As much as you value work and your family business, this suggestion will be VERY difficult, but absolutely necessary.  Making time together as a priority where you turn off the phone, stop working, and pay attention to each other is never easy, but is a definite action on your part that will help Erik know he is important to you and that there is a time during the week when your family comes first.  This investment will need to be a high priority before the kids get any older - and it must come before you can expect Eric to change his un-cooperative spirit. I would tell Eric that he is important by writing short notes to tuck under his pillow (my daughter still has her ' teen collection of Mom's notes' but at the time I didn't know they were important - I just knew that I loved her even though she was difficult!), noticing things he does well and stopping criticism of things he doesn't do well.  I also would take him ALONE on errands, get a coke together or in any other way give him 'special time' - you AND your husband. (Many parents have reported their surprise at how much behavior changed when they stopped focusing on the behavior and instead focusing on positive characteristics[and verbally mentioning them] and on spending special time to help the child perceive belonging and significance.)

c.  Schedule a time for FAMILY FUN (include other things besides golf - have the kids write down ideas and do them - label some free ones, and be sure to note how long each suggestion takes, and then choose by how much time and $  you have) that precedes FAMILY WORK where everyone has fun together first, and then does their chosen chores.  Schedule a family meeting that lasts no more then 1 hour that starts with compliments and appreciations, then moves to chores/kids' agenda items, problems to solve together, and a special time of eating together without interruption or playing a game together. Getting kids involved in family work by letting them choose how they will be involved (Be sure to understand that being involved or not is NOT the choice!)

This kind of treatment for family work will help you have time to spend on your kids individually (let them come to that conclusion!) and will give them opportunities for attention and power in the family.

See the book on the website:  "Chores Without Wars" by Lynn Lott & Riki Intner) Description: TURN HOUSEWORK INTO TEAMWORK! With wisdom and humor, this practical, step-by-step guide gives you the techniques you need to enlist the support and cooperation of your entire family. Whether you're a single parent or part of a blended family, the homemaker in a traditional household or a college student sharing expenses, this book can make your life easier and more enjoyable and your house cleaner! Retail Price: $12.00 Internet Price: $10.20

d.  I've already talked a bit about the adolescent brain - also at these years, it is important to let them help decide what they'd like to do with the family - ask Erik to invite a friend to your family outings of golf if you can - then he has power and attention both, and may be less rude to his family. DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO - let Eric know that his uncooperative spirit has indeed ruined family times together - that you need his help in figuring out how you can help him when he gets that way - and then make some suggestions yourself (bring a friend, go over to a friend's house when you golf, etc.) - and then DO IT - FOLLOW THROUGH - the solution may be to come up with a plan, and if he doesn't follow it, he owes you 1 hour in the store, (back in the storeroom where your husband can't hear him grumble!).  Solutions are different than consequences - with solutions you concentrate on what will help Eric to be more cooperative and less irritable so that your family enjoys time together.

e. On the other hand, deciding what you will do could be very different. You could decide that Erik doesn't have the power to ruin your fun. Let him have his feelings. Let him whine and complain, but don't respond in an irritated way. (He really can't ruin your fun, but you can decide to let it be ruined.) Either ignore his whining and complaining or respond with empathy something with sounds that can be made only with your mouth closed. "Ummm.  UmmHmmm. Aaaaaahhh." Or you could say thing like, "You sound very upset. I can tell this is hard for you. Sounds like you would rather be somewhere else." Saying these things doesn't mean you have to do anything about it just show empathy. It isn't much fun to whine and complain if it doesn't push anyone's buttons. Instead of constantly telling him to hurry up, just hurry yourself and have faith in him to figure out what to do if he gets behind. In other words, stop pouring fuel on his flames.

f. Temperament and birth order can be an important part of understanding Eric also - My son's name is Eric, too, and I laughed a bit when I read your question because OUR Eric's temperament sounds much like your Eric's!  One thing I learned to do was NOT take Eric's moods personally - then he didn't stay grumpy, lazy, and irritating to me for very long. When I paid attention to other things, and not to his un-cooperative spirit, and let Eric take care of helping himself feel better, things in our family got enormously better.  There's nothing like 1 grumpy person becoming 3 grumpies (son, Mom and Dad!)  I learned to say NOTHING and just turn my attention to something else - as soon as I'd say, "You're trying to make me feel bad about this, Eric, and it won't work.." he knew he had pushed my button!  I wished I had known about Positive Discipline before Eric had known how to be such a good button-pusher!

 g.  Your daughter may be the "good kid" in the family and your Eric may think subconsciously, of course, that he has to be incorrigible to get the attention and power he needs.  This may be just be a feeling he has, and you may not have done anything to grow that perception.  It can be checked out with him, though, by asking him about it. Wendy, Eric's twin, in our family was the 'good kid' - and Eric and Erin (our oldest daughter) still razz Wendy for that - she says now, "well, you taught me well what didn't work, so it was easy!" It could be that he doesn't live up to your expectations because subconsciously your expectations make him feel "not good enough" and that feeling is a motivator for misbehavior.

Additional Ideas:
If these are power struggles, you will want to find ways to avoid paying off his bid for power in negative ways  by learning to empathize with how he's feeling while stating what you will do and follow through.  I'm going to react to your golf example above with some things you might have said or done (easy for me, since this is AFTER the situation!)

In the example above, how about saying this as he got grumpy, "Eric, I'm sorry you are feeling so grumpy.  What would help you feel better?"  This is a curiosity question that needs to come without irritation in your voice.  If he says nothing, or I don't know, say, "I have faith that you'll find some way of taking care of yourself.  If I can help, let me know." and then continue to golf.  OR....

Let him know in advance that if he gets grumpy you will still finish your game, and if he tries to go slow or interfere with the team behind you, he will no longer have the privilege of playing. "How can I let you know with a non-verbal signal that you're out of line." Then say "this is purely your choice, Eric;  although we want to enjoy playing golf with you, we will not let your attitude interfere with our playing" -[ no talking at the time he makes the choice to be grumpy ] - I will simply take his club, and say, "We'll try again the next time we golf." One of you may have to go home with him a few times to prove the point, fair or not   - but you should do so calmly and not scold and lecture - simply say, "I wish things could have been different for both of us - I'm sorry you felt so badly that you got grumpy."  And then, don't bring up the subject, and just try again another day - ask him to tell you your agreement BEFORE you go again.  He WILL test you - count on it. OR...

In my answer, as a summary, I suggest the following Positive Discipline Tools: Family Meetings;  Follow through; Decide What You Will Do; Special Time (with both kids individually!); Take Time for Training; Acknowledge to Eric that you can't 'Make' him change his attitude - he must make that decision; Don't Fight, Stay Calm, and Don't Back Down;  Develop Mutual Respect;  Give limited Choices about family fun and family chores;  deal with your hurt feelings and his feelings too;  Avoid Punishment and retaliation.

Kathy, this has been a long answer - I hope there is something helpful in my thoughts for you. It is frustrating as a parent to know that the parent needs to make some changes before the kids change.  It'd be so nice and easy if we could get others to change instead of ourselves! I KNOW there will be help in the Positive Discipline Book for Teens, though, and suggest you get it ASAP. Family counseling is a good idea if everyone is at the stage that you need some fresh ideas.  Caring, loving families can have family dynamics that need professional help, and seeking out a good counselor can be very reassuring, leveling, and helpful.  MANY other families ask these same questions about building family cooperation, so you aren't alone!  I wish someone had told me how great the early adult stage is for parents - we had three kids in the teen years at one time - I would have felt much more encouraged that the teen years will eventually smooth out and level out, so stay calm and focused on what you believe is right! 

For more information go the article "How to Motivate a Teen" (or an 11-year-old.)
http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/teenmotivation.html

Please MAKE some time for yourselves, also, as a couple - no-one else can do this FOR you!  Life is too short to always regret the time you didn't spend on your family.  I have full confidence that you will find a solution to this problem and that things will go smoother for you. 

Sending you my best regards,
Mary