Manners

Question:

First of all, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the wonderful books you have written. I recently initiated positive discipline with my 9 year old son who was truly spiraling out of control with anger and sadness. I realized that much of the problem (besides being from a divorced family and now two parents that have remarried) had been helped along by creating power struggles, doling out punishments like candy and other "negative" forms of discipline. I have to say that within days of initiating positive discipline, my son has become a new person. He continues to blossom every day into a happy child who is taking more responsibility for his behavior and generally more in control of his angry outbursts. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Anyway, I have several areas of uncertainty with regard to natural and logical consequences. My question today has to do with table manners. My son has horrendous table manners ranging from eating with his fingers, to burping and other expression of gas!! He thinks it is funny and it is particularly discouraging when he does it in public. We have a party to go to this weekend and more than likely he will do something that would not be considered "polite" at a dinner table. I have tried everything you can think of in terms of punishment and power struggles over the years, but now I am at a loss as to how to deal with this positively. Thank you in advance for your response. Happy New Year, Shelly

Answer:

Hi Shelly, Sorry to be so long answering, but I was out of the country for three weeks. First I want to comment on logical consequences. Because so many parents misunderstand these concepts and continue to try disguising punishment by calling it a logical consequence, we have stopped using the term. We now suggest focusing on solutions. Please go to http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles_teacher/index.html  and read the article, "No More Logical Consequences – At Least Hardly Ever."
I have two suggestions:
1) Take time for training. Have a manners night once a week where you have fun at the dinner table exaggerating good manners. You might also engage him in a conversation where you give him an opportunity to tell you (instead of you telling him) why some people find bad manners offensive.
2) Give up your button. It is obvious that this is an area that really bothers you. This give him a lot of power to "get you going." Children don't do things that don't "work."
My son used to clear his throat very loudly – and all the time. I tried bribery (I'll buy you a bike if you stop), lectures (that is so disgusting), time out (If you are going to clear your throat, go to your room to do it – seemed logical to me.) Nothing worked (at least none of those punishments or rewards).

I was given the same advice I'm giving you – be become unconcerned about it. I think this advisor promised me that he wouldn't still be doing it by college because his girlfriend would get on his case. Even though it was difficult at first, I took the advice and became so unconcerned that I don't know when he stopped – but he did.
Actually I'll give you a third suggestion.
3) Decide what you will do. You can let him know that you find bad manners offensive, so when he chooses to engage in bad manners you will take care of yourself. You will leave the room, or if in public, you will walk far enough away so people won't know he is with you. If you do this, it is essential to do it with kindness and firmness. If he sees it as a punishment he still has power to defeat you. If he sees it as a respectful way for you to take care of yourself, it won't be so much fun.

Do you have our book "Positive Discipline A-Z" where we give many suggestions for dealing with over 100 behavior challenges in a very positive and respectful way – while teaching children valuable life skills? I'm sure you will find many ways to give up punishment and power struggles when you have a tool bag filled with other possibilities.

With encouragement, Jane Nelsen